The Devil's Dictionary

• "Absurdity, n.: A statement or belief manifestly inconsistent with one's own opinion."

• "Accord, n. : Harmony."

• "Accordion, n. : An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin."

• "Acquaintance, n.: A person whom we know well enough to borrow from, but not well enough to lend to."

• "Admiration, n.: Our polite recognition of another's resemblance to ourselves."

• "Apologize: To lay the foundation for a future offense."

• "Barometer, n.: An ingenious instrument which indicates what kind of weather we are having."

• "Bore, n.: A person who talks when you wish him to listen."

• "Brain: an apparatus with which we think we think."

• "Cabbage: A familiar kitchen-garden vegetable about as large and wise as a man's head."

• "Calamities are of two kinds: misfortunes to ourselves, and good fortune to others."

• "Circus, n: A place where horses, ponies and elephants are permitted to see men, women and children acting the fool."

• "Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum."
  • Translation: "I think that I think, therefore I think that I am."

• "Conservative: A statesman enamored of existing evils, as opposed to a Liberal, who wants to replace them with new ones."

• "Dawn. When men of reason go to bed."

• Education: That which discloses to the wise and disguises from the foolish their lack of understanding.

• Faith: Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.

• "Happiness, n.: An agreeable sensation arising from contemplating the misery of another."

• "Immortality, n:

A toy which people cry for,

And on their knees apply for,

Dispute, contend and lie for,

And if allowed

Would be right proud

Eternally to die for."

• "Infancy: n. The period of our lives when, according to Wordsworth, 'Heaven lies about us.' The world begins lying about us pretty soon afterward."

• "Laughter, n. An interior convulsion, producing a distortion of the features and accompanied by inarticulate noises. It is infectious and, though intermittent, incurable."

• "Learning, n: The kind of ignorance distinguishing the studious."

• "Liberty, n: One of imaginations most precious possessions."

• "Love: A temporary insanity curable by marriage or by removal of the patient from the influences under which he incurred the disorder. This disease is prevailent only among civilized races living under artificial conditions; barbarous nations breathing pure air and eating simple food enjoy immunity from its ravages. It is sometimes fatal, but more frequently to the physician than to the patient."

• "Mad; adj. Affected with a high degree of intellectual independence; not conforming to standards of thought, speech, and action derived by the conformants from study of themselves; at odds with the majority; in short, unusual. It is noteworthy that persons are pronounced mad by officials destitute of evidence that they themselves are sane."

• "Marriage, n. : The state or condition of a community consisting of a master, a mistress and two slaves, making in all, two."

• "Non-combatant, n. : A dead Quaker."

• "Philosophy, n. : A route of many roads leading from nowhere to nothing."

• "Pray: To ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy."

• "Selfish, adj: Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others. "

• "Twice: Once too often."

• "In our civilization, and under our republican form of government, intelligence is so highly honored that it is rewarded by exemption from the cares of office."

• "Certain old men prefer to rise at dawn, taking a cold bath and a long walk with an empty stomach and otherwise mortifying the flesh. They then point with pride to these practices as the cause of their sturdy health and ripe years; the truth being that they are hearty and old, not because of their habits, but in spite of them. The reason we find only robust persons doing this thing is that it has killed all the others who have tried it."