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Buffy the Vampire Slayer
Buffy the Vampire Slayer (1997 - 2003) by Joss Whedon
See the discussion page for suggested formatting and inclusion guidelines.
Season 1
Welcome to the Hellmouth
- Xander : Well, you're certainly a font of nothing!
- [Xander's first words to Buffy, as he helps her pick up the contents of her bag.]
- Xander: Can I have you? Duh… heh-heh… can I help you?
- Buffy : It's my first day! I was afraid that I was gonna be behind in all of my classes, that I wouldn't make any friends, that I would have last month's hair! I didn't think there'd be vampires on campus. And I don't care.
- Buffy : To make you a vampire they have to suck your blood. And then you have to suck their blood. It's like a whole big sucking thing. Mostly they're just gonna kill you.
- Giles : There's a reason why you're here, and a reason why it's now!
- Buffy : Because now is the time my mom moved here.
- Giles: Something's coming — something, something… something is- is… gonna happen here. Soon!
- Buffy: Gee, can you vague that up for me?
- [Buffy acrobatically knocks Angel to the ground and stands over him.]
- Angel : Ah, heh. Is there a problem, ma'am?
- Buffy : Yeah, there's a problem. Why are you following me?
- Angel: I know what you're thinking. Don't worry, I don't bite.
- [Buffy backs away, still in a fighting stance.]
- Angel: Truth is, I thought you'd be taller, or bigger muscles and all that. You're pretty spry, though.
- Buffy: What do you want?
- Angel: The same thing you do.
- Buffy: Okay. What do I want?
- Angel: To kill them. To kill them all.
- Buffy: Sorry, that's incorrect, but you do get this lovely watch and a year's supply of Turtle Wax. What I want is to be left alone!
- Buffy: Who are you?
- Angel: Let's just say… I'm a friend.
- Buffy: Yeah, well, maybe I don't want a friend.
- Angel: I didn't say I was yours.
- Willow : Well… when I'm with a boy I like, it's hard for me to say anything cool, or–or witty, or at all. I– I can usually make a few vowel sounds, and… then I have to go away.
- [Giles and Buffy observe the crowd in the Bronze from the loft.]
- Giles : Look at them. Throwing themselves about… completely unaware of the danger that surrounds them.
- Buffy : Lucky them.
The Harvest
- Giles : I've been researching this Harvest affair. It seems to be some sort of preordained massacre… rivers of blood, Hell on earth… quite charmless. I am a bit fuzzy, however, on the details. It may be that you can wrest some information from that dread machine.
- [Everyone stares at Giles.]
- Giles: That was a bit, um, British, wasn't it?
- Buffy : Welcome to the New World.
- Buffy: I don't suppose you've got a key on you?
- Angel : They really don't like me dropping in.
- Buffy: Why not?
- Angel: They really don't like me.
- Buffy: How could that possibly be?
- Angel: I knew you'd figure out this entryway sooner or later. Actually, I thought it was gonna be a little sooner.
- Buffy: Sorry you had to wait. Okay. Look, if you're gonna be popping up with this cryptic wise man act on a regular basis, can you at least tell me your name?
- Angel: Angel.
- Buffy: Angel. It's a pretty name.
- Angel: Don't… go down there.
- Buffy: Deal with my going.
- Angel: You shouldn't be putting yourself at risk. Tonight is the Harvest. Unless you can prevent it, the Master walks.
- Buffy: Well, if this Harvest thing is such a suckfest, why don't you stop it?
- Angel: 'Cause I'm afraid.
- [Buffy spin-kicks open the door leading to the sewers.]
- Angel: They'll be expecting you.
- Buffy: I've got a friend down there. Or at least a potential friend. Do you know what it's like to have a friend? [pause] That wasn't supposed to be a stumper.
- Xander : I don't like vampires. I'm gonna take a stand and say they're not good.
- Angel: She did it! I'll be damned!
- [The day after the Bronze battle, the kids and Giles discuss the future.]
- Buffy: Well, I gotta look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school!
- [The kids continue the discussion as they walk away from Giles.]
- Xander: Oh, yeah, that's a plan. 'Cause lots of schools aren't on Hellmouths.
- Willow : Maybe you could blow something up! They're really strict about that.
- Buffy: I was thinking of a more subtle approach, y'know, like… excessive not-studying.
- [Giles watches them walk away and sighs to himself.]
- Giles: The Earth is doomed.
The Witch
- Xander : I laugh in the face of danger! Then I… hide until it goes away.
- Giles : Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?
- Willow : Maybe because they met her?
- [Buffy looks through her mother's high school yearbook.]
- Buffy : Mom, I've accepted that you've had sex. I am not ready to know that you had Farrah hair.
- Joyce : This is Gidget hair. Don't they teach you anything in history?
- Buffy: I'm inscrutable, huh?
- Joyce: You're sixteen.
- Amy : Oh, how I hate this, let me count the ways.
- Buffy: Hmm, that much quality time with my mom would probably lead to some quality matricide.
- Giles: But that's the thrill of living on the Hellmouth! There's a veritable cornucopia of, of fiends and devils and, and ghouls to engage. Pardon me for finding the glass half full.
- Willow: Yeah! You're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes!
- Xander: For I am Xander, King of Cretins. May all lesser cretins bow before me.
- Xander: First vampires, now witches. No wonder you can still afford a house in Sunnydale.
- Buffy: Hmm, I know you don't, that's 'cause you're my friend. You're my Xander-shaped friend!
- Amy: I'm just happy to have my body back. I'm thinking of getting fat.
- Buffy: Y'know, I hear that look's in for spring.
Teacher's Pet
- Principal Flutie : We all need help with our feelings. Otherwise, we bottle them up, and before you know it powerful laxatives are involved.
- Cordelia : Oh, I'm not saying that we should kill a teacher every day just so I can lose weight. I'm just saying, when tragedy strikes we have to look on the bright side, y'know? Like how even used Mercedes still have leather seats.
- Giles : That's all he said? Fork Guy?
- Buffy : That's all Cryptic Guy said: Fork Guy.
- Giles: I think there are too many guys in your life.
- Buffy: Well! Look who's here!
- Angel : Hi.
- Buffy: I'd say it's nice to see you, but then we both know that's a big fib.
- Angel: I won't be long.
- Buffy: No, you'll just give me a cryptic warning about some exciting new catastrophe, and then disappear into the night. Right?
- Angel: You're cold.
- Buffy: You can take it.
- Angel: I mean, you look cold.
- Xander : Oh, right! Give her your jacket. It's a balmy night, no one needs to be trading clothing out there!
- Buffy: What happened?
- Angel: I didn't pay attention.
- Buffy: To somebody with a big fork?
- Angel: He's coming.
- Buffy: The Fork Guy?
- Angel: Don't let him corner you. Don't give him a moment's mercy. He'll rip your throat out.
- Buffy: Okay, I'll give you improved marks for that one. Ripping a throat out, it's a strong visual, it's not cryptic!
- Angel: I have to go.
- Buffy: Sweet dreams to you, too.
- Xander: Well, he's buff! She never said anything about him being buff!
- Willow : You think he's buff?
- Xander: He's a very attractive man! How come that never came up?
- Xander: It's funny how the Earth never opens up and swallows you when you want it to.
- Buffy: Hot dog surprise. Be still, my heart.
- Willow: Call me old-fashioned, I don't want any more surprises in my hot dogs.
- Xander: I wonder what she sees in me? It's probably the quiet good looks coupled with a certain smoky magnetism.
- Natalie: Oh, Xander! I've done something really stupid. I hope you can forgive me.
- Xander: Oh, forgiveness is my middle name! Well, actually it's LaVelle, and I'd appreciate it if you guard that secret with your life.
- Xander: ...I realize it's no mystery guy handing out leather jackets, and while we're on the subject, what kind of a girlie name is "'Angel" anyway?
- Xander: No, no, it's, the most beautiful chest... dress I've ever seen.
- Giles: Uh, well, basically the, uh, the She-Mantis assumes the form of a beautiful woman and then lures innocent virgins back to her nest.
- Buffy: Virgins? Well, Xander's not a, uh...I mean, he's probably...
- Willow: ...gonna die!
Never Kill a Boy on the First Date
- The Master : And one of the brethren shall go out hunting the night before and get himself killed, because he couldn't wait to finish his job before he ate. Oh, wait... that's not written anywhere.
- Xander : So, Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night?
- Buffy : Xander!
- Xander: I mean, how'd the laying go last night. No, I don't mean that either.
- Buffy: But... cute guy... teenager... post-pubescent fantasies!
- Giles : I have volumes of lore, of prophecies, of predictions, but I don't have an instruction manual. We feel our way as we go along. And, I must say, as a Slayer you're doing... pretty well.
- Buffy: See, this is a school, and we have students, and they check out books, and then they learn things.
- Giles: I was beginning to suspect that was a myth.
- Giles: Alright, I-I'll just jump in my time machine, go back to the twelfth century and ask the vampires to postpone their ancient prophecy for a few days while you take in dinner and a show.
- Buffy: Okay, at this point you're abusing sarcasm.
- Giles: If your identity as the Slayer is revealed it could put you and all those around you in grave danger.
- Buffy: Well, in that case I won't wear my button that says, 'I'm the Slayer, ask me how!'
- Buffy: If the apocalypse comes, beep me.
- Angel : You're here on a date?
- Buffy: Yes! Why is it such a shock to everyone?
- Giles: Uh, two more of the brethren came in here. They came after me. But I was more than a match for them.
- Buffy: Meaning?
- Giles: I hid.
- Giles: Buffy, when I said you could slay vampires and have a social life, I didn't mean at the same time.
The Pack
- Xander : We just saw the zebras mating. Thank you, very exciting!
- Willow : It was like the Heimlich... with stripes!
- Giles : Testosterone is a great equalizer. It turns all men into morons.
- Buffy : What is it with those guys?
- Willow: They're obnoxious. Professionally.
- Xander: Well, every school has 'em. So, you start a new school, you get your desks, some blackboards and some mean kids.
- Willow: You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, "Hey, kids, where's the cool parties this weekend?" We've been through this.
- Giles: Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate?
- Buffy: Uh-huh.
- Giles: And, there's been a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanor?
- Buffy: Yes.
- Giles: And, well, otherwise all his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles.
- Buffy: It's bad, isn't it.
- Giles: It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Course, you'll have to kill him.
- Buffy: I cannot believe that you, of all people, are trying to Scully me. There is something supernatural at work here. Get your books! Look stuff up!
- Willow: Oh, my God, Xander! What happened?
- Buffy: I hit him.
- Willow: With what?
- Buffy: A desk.
- Willow: Come on, Angel pushes your buttons. You know he does.
- Buffy: I suppose some girls might find him good looking...if they have eyes, alright, he's a honey, but... it's just he's never around, and when he is all he wants to do is talk about vampires, and... I, I just can't have a relationship...
- Giles: I've been reading up on my, uh, animal possession, and I cannot find anything anywhere about memory loss afterwards.
- Xander: Did you tell them that?
- Giles: Your secret dies with me.
- Xander: Shoot me, stuff me, mount me.
Angel
- Xander : What are you vixens up to?
- Willow : Just sitting here, watching our barren lives pass us by. Oh look, a cockroach.
- [STOMP!]
- Xander: I mean, guys'll do anything to impress a girl. I once drank an entire gallon of Gatorade without taking a breath.
- Willow: It was pretty impressive. Although later there was an ick factor.
- Buffy : You want Xander, you've gotta speak up, girl!
- Willow: No, no, no, no. No speaking up. That way leads to madness... and sweaty palms.
- Darla : Don't let her hunt you down. Don't whimper and mewl like a mangy human. Kill. Feed. Live!
- Angel : You have no idea what it's like to have done the things that I've done... and to care.
- Willow:What about Angel?
- Buffy: Angel? I can just see him in a relationship. "Hi, honey, you're in grave danger. I'll see you next month."
- Willow: He's not around much, it's true.
- Buffy: When he is around... it's like the lights dim everywhere else. You know how it's like that with some guys?
- Willow: Oh, yeah!
- Angel: It's alright. A vampire can't come in unless it's invited.
- Angel: Look, I don't wanna get you in any more trouble...
- Buffy: And I don't wanna get you dead.
- Buffy: Angel?
- Angel: Hmm?
- Buffy: Do you snore?
- Angel: I don't know. It's been a long time since anybody's been in a position to let me know.
- Xander: Buffy, c'mon, wake up and smell the seduction. It's the oldest trick in the book.
- Buffy: What? Saving my life? Getting slashed in the ribs?
- Xander: Duh!
- Xander: You're in love with a vampire?! What, are you outta your mind?!
- Giles : There's mention some two hundred years ago in Ireland of, of Angelus, the one with the angelic face.
- Buffy: They got that right.
- Xander: Now I'm sayin' something. You saw him naked?
- Angel: Why not? I killed mine. I killed their friends... and their friend's children... For a hundred years I offered ugly death to everyone I met, and I did it with a song in my heart.
- Angel: I just wanted to see if you were okay. And your mother.
- Buffy: We're both good. You?
- Angel: If I can go a little while without getting shot or stabbed I'll be alright. Look, this can't...
- Buffy: ... ever be anything. I know. For one thing, you're,like, two hundred and twenty-four years older than I am.
- Angel: I just gotta... I gotta walk away from this.
- Buffy: You okay?
- Angel: It's just...
- Buffy: ... painful. I know. See you around?
I Robot, You Jane
- Ms. Calendar : [dressing down Giles] Wrong and wrong, snobby. You think the realm of the mystical is limited to ancient texts and relics? That bad old science made the magic go away? The divine exists in cyberspace same as out here.
- Ms. Calendar: You're here again? You kids really dig the library, don't you?
- Buffy : We're literary.
- Xander : To read makes our speaking English good.
- Giles : [ruminating on why books are better than computers] Smell is the most powerful trigger to the memory there is. A certain flower or a whiff of smoke can bring up experiences long forgotten. Books smell... musty and rich. The knowledge gained from a computer is... it has no texture, no context. It's there and then it's gone. If it's to last, then the getting of knowledge should be tangible. It should be, um... smelly.
- Xander: Calax Research and Development. It's a computer research lab. Third largest employer in Sunnydale till it closed down last year. What, I can't have information sometimes?
- Giles: Well, it-it's just somewhat unprecedented.
- Buffy: Tell me the truth: how's my hair?
- Xander: It's great! It's your best hair ever!
- Buffy: You mean besides convince a perfectly nice kid to try and kill me? I don't know. How about mess up all the medical equipment in the world?
- Giles: Randomize traffic signals.
- Buffy: Access launch codes for our nuclear missiles.
- Giles: Destroy the world's economy.
- Buffy: I think I pretty much capped it with that nuclear missile thing.
- Giles: Right, yours was best.
- Xander: Hey! I got to hit someone!
- Buffy: Besides, I can just tell something's wrong. My spider sense is tingling.
- Buffy: Hey, did you forget? The one boy I've had the hots for since I've moved here turned out to be a vampire.
- Xander: Right, and the teacher I had a crush on? Giant praying mantis?
- Willow : That's true.
- Xander: Yeah, that's life on the Hellmouth.
- Buffy: Let's face it: none of us are ever gonna have a happy, normal relationship.
- Xander: We're doomed!
The Puppet Show
- Xander : I have my pride. Okay, I don't have a lot of my pride, but I have enough so that I can't do this.
- Principal Synder : I know Principal Flutie would have said, "Kids need understanding. Kids are human beings." That's the kind of wooly-headed liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.
- Principal Snyder: There are things I will not tolerate: students loitering on campus after school, horrible murders with hearts being removed... and also smoking.
- Willow : Once again I've been banished to the demon section of the card catalogue.
- Giles : Our new Fuehrer, Mr. Snyder.
- Willow: I think they call 'em "principals" now.
- Buffy : Giles, unto every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show. You cannot escape your destiny.
- Giles: If you had any shred of decency, you would have participated, or at least, um, helped.
- Buffy: Nah! I think I'll take on your traditional role... and watch!
- Xander : And mock!
- Willow: And laugh!
- Xander: Did I mention that I hate this school?
- Cordelia : All I can think is, it coulda been me!
- Xander: We can dream.
- [The gang discusses a demon who is trying to harvest a brain.]
- Willow: What could a demon possibly want from me?
- Xander: What's the square root of 841?
- Willow: 29. Oh, yeah.
Nightmares
- The Master : [looking at a cross] We are defined by the things we fear. This symbol, these two planks of wood... it confounds me, suffuses me with mortal dread.
- Xander : I'm not worried. If there's something bad out there, we'll find, you'll slay, we'll party.
- Vampire Buffy : Scary. I'll tell you something, though. There are a lot scarier things than you. And I'm one of them.
- Xander: Oh, the spiders! Willow's been kind of, um, what's the word I'm looking for? Insane about what happened yesterday.
- Willow : I don't like spiders, okay? Their furry bodies, and their sticky webs, and what do they need all those legs for anyway? I'll tell you: for crawling across your face in the middle of the night. Ewww! How do they not ruffle you?
- Willow: Xander! What happened to your...?!
- Xander: I-I-I dunno! I was, uh, dressed a minute ago! It's a dream. It's gotta be a dream. Ow! Wake up. Ow! Gotta wake up.
- Buffy: Well, we better hurry... 'cause I'm getting hungry.
- Xander: That is a... joke, right?
- Willow: When Buffy was a vampire, you weren't still, like, attracted to her, were you?
- Xander: Willow, how can you... I mean, that's really bent! She was... grotesque!
- Willow: Still dug her, huh?
- Xander: I'm sick, I need help.
- Willow: Don't I know it.
Out of Mind, Out of Sight
- Principal Synder : There are no dead students here. This week.
- Xander : Research Boy comes through with the knowledge.
- Giles : A vampire in love with a Slayer. It's rather poetic... in a maudlin sort of way.
- Giles: Once again I teeter at the precipice of the generation gap.
- Cordelia : This is all about me! Me, me, me!
- Xander: Wow! For once she's right!
- Cordelia: If I'm not crowned tonight then, then Marcie's won! And that would be bad. She's evil, okay? Way eviler than me.
- Xander: What, so there's homework now? When did that happen?
- Giles: A vampire casts no reflection.
- Angel: Don't worry. I'm not here to eat.
- Giles: There's an... invisible girl terrorizing the school.
- Angel : That's not really my area of expertise.
- Giles: Nor mine, I'm afraid. Uh, it's fascinating, though. By all accounts it's a, a... a wonderful power to possess.
- Angel: Oh, I don't know. Looking in the mirror everyday and seeing nothing there. It's an overrated pleasure.
- Cordelia: Because you're always around when all this weird stuff is happening. And I know you're very strong, and you've got all those weapons... I was kind of hoping you were in a gang.
- Giles: The loneliness, the constant exile, she's...she has gone mad!
- Xander: Ya think?
- Angel: I'll get it. It's not like I need the oxygen.
- Buffy: You're a thundering loony!
Prophecy Girl
- Xander : [practicing to ask Buffy to the Spring Fling dance] Y'know, Buffy, Spring Fling just isn't any dance. It's a time for students to choose, um... a mate and then we can... observe their... mating rituals and tag them before they migrate just kill me!
- Willow : You think I wanna go to the dance with you and watch you wish you were at the dance with her? You think that's my idea of hijinx? You should know better.
- Buffy : I may be dead, but I'm still pretty. Which is more than I can say for you.
- Xander: I don't feel that boring covers it.
- Buffy: No, boring falls short.
- Willow: Even I was bored. And I'm a science nerd.
- Buffy: Don't say that.
- Willow: I'm not ashamed. It's the computer age. Nerds are in. They're still in, right?
- Xander: Nah. Forget it. I'm not him. I mean, I guess a guy's gotta be undead to make time with you.
- Buffy: That's really harsh.
- Xander: Look, I'm sorry. I don't handle rejection well. Funny! Considering all the practice I've had, huh?
- Xander: That's okay. I don't wanna go. I'm just gonna go home, lie down and listen to country music. The music of pain.
- Ms. Calendar : The part that gets me, though, is where Buffy is the Vampire Slayer. She's so little.
- Angel : Well, there's gotta be some way around it.
- Giles : Listen. Some prophecies are, are a bit dodgy. They're, they're mutable. Buffy herself has, has thwarted them time and time again, but this is the Codex. There is nothing in it that does not come to pass.
- Angel: Then you're reading it wrong.
- Giles: I wish to God I were! But it's very plain! Tomorrow night Buffy will face the Master, and she will die.
- Buffy: They say how he's gonna kill me? Do you think it'll hurt? Don't touch me! Were you even gonna tell me?
- Giles: I was hoping that I wouldn't have to. That there was... some way around it. I...
- Buffy: I've got a way around it. I quit!
- Angel: It's not that simple.
- Buffy: I'm making it that simple! I quit! I resign, I-I'm fired, you can find someone else to stop the Master from taking over!
- Giles: I'm not sure that anyone else can. All the... the signs indicate...
- Buffy: The signs? READ ME THE SIGNS! TELL ME MY FORTUNE! YOU'RE SO USEFUL SITTING HERE WITH ALL YOUR BOOKS! YOU'RE REALLY A LOTTA HELP!
- Giles: No, I don't suppose I am.
- Angel: I know this is hard.
- Buffy: What do you know about this? You're never gonna die!
- Angel: You think I want anything to happen to you? Do you think I could stand it? We just gotta figure out a way...
- Buffy: I already did. I quit, remember? Pay attention!
- Giles: Buffy, if the Master rises...
- Buffy: I don't care! I don't care. Giles, I'm sixteen years old. I don't wanna die.
- Xander: How could you let her go?
- Giles: As the soon-to-be-purple area of my jaw will attest, I did not let her go!
- Xander: How can I say this clearly? I don't like you. At the end of the day, I pretty much think you're a vampire. But Buffy's got this big old yen for you. She thinks you're a real person. And right now I need you to prove her right.
- Angel: You're in love with her.
- Xander: Aren't you?
- Xander: You were looking at my neck.
- Angel: What?
- Xander: You were checking out my neck! I saw that!
- Angel: No, I wasn't!
- Xander: Just keep your distance, pal.
- Angel: I wasn't looking at your neck!
- Xander: I told you to eat before we left.
- The Master : You were destined to die! It was written!
- Buffy: What can I say? I flunked the written.
- Buffy: Sure! We saved the world. I say we party!
- Willow: You can come with us, Angel.
- Buffy: I'm hungry.
- Xander: So what's the story with the car?
- Cordelia : Oh, that was me, saving the day!
- Willow: [to Angel] Get something to drink.
- Buffy: Is anybody else hungry?
- Willow: [to Angel] Well, no, don't do that. Just hang.
- Buffy: I'm really, really hungry.
- Angel: By the way, I really like your dress.
- Buffy: Yeah, yeah. Big hit with everyone.
Season 2
When She Was Bad
- Cordelia : Whatever is causing the Joan Collins 'tude, deal with it. Embrace the pain, spank your inner moppet, whatever, but get over it.
- Willow : What would somebody want with Master bones?
- Xander : A trophy? A horrible conversation piece?
- Principal Synder : There're some things I can just smell. It's like a sixth sense.
- Giles : No, actually that would be one of the five.
- Xander: Well, we could grind our enemies into talcum powder with a sledgehammer, but, gosh, we did that last night.
- Xander: You're Amish! You can't fight back... 'cause you're Amish! I mock you with my ice cream cone, Amish guy!
- Xander: Well, it's been a slow summer. I mean, that's the first vampire we've seen since you killed the Master.
- Buffy : It's like they knew I was coming back
- Xander: Yo! G-man! What's up?
- Giles: Nice to see you. And don't ever call me that.
- Xander: Which means we're still the undead's favorite party town.
- Buffy: Peachy. So, is this a social call? It is kinda late. Or, well, it is for me, anyway. What is it for you, lunch hour?
- Angel : It's not a social call.
- Buffy: Ah. So, lemme guess. That means grave danger. Gosh, it's good to be home.
- Angel: I'm sorry. I wish I had better news.
- Buffy: So, some of your cousins are in town for a family barbecue, and we're all on the menu!
- Willow: Angel stopped by? Wow. Was there... Well, I mean, was it having to do with kissing?
- Buffy: Willow, grow up. Not everything is about kissing.
- Xander: Yeah. Some stuff's about groping.
- Buffy: Cordelia, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good.
- Buffy: Hi.
- Angel: Hi.
- Buffy: So, is there danger at the Bronze? Should I beware?
- Angel: I can't help thinking I've done something to make you angry. And that bothers me more than I'd like.
- Buffy: I'm not angry. I don't know where that comes from.
- Angel: What are you afraid of? Me? Us?
- Buffy: Could you contemplate getting over yourself for a second? There's no 'us'. Look, Angel, I'm sorry if I was supposed to spend the summer mooning over you, but I didn't. I moved on. To the living.
- Cordelia: Buffy. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?
- Buffy: As defending champion, you nervous?
- Xander: Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me? She's possessed.
- Willow: That's what it was! I mean, why else would she be acting like such a b-i-t-c-h?
- Giles: Willow, I think we're all a little too old to be spelling things out.
- Xander: A bitca?
- Buffy: This is Cordelia's. 'Come to the Bronze before it opens, or we make her a meal.'
- Xander: They're gonna cook her dinner? I'll pretend I didn't say that.
- Willow: Well, what about the rest of the note?
- Buffy: What rest of the note?
- Willow: The part that says, 'P.S. This is a trap'?
- Buffy: You're a vampire. Oh, I'm sorry, was that an offensive term? Should I say 'undead American'?
- Xander: What are you gonna do?
- Buffy: I'm gonna kill them all. That oughta distract them.
- Giles: What are you gonna do? Crawl inside a cave for the rest of your life?
- Buffy: Would it have cable?
Some Assembly Required
- Giles : I just think it's rather odd that a nation that prides itself on its virility should feel compelled to strap on forty pounds of protective gear just in order to play rugby.
- Buffy : Being called an idiot tends to take people out of the dating mood.
- Xander : It actually kinda turns me on.
- Buffy: I fear you.
- Xander: Now, is it time to have a talk about the facts of life?
- Giles: You know, I'm suddenly deciding this is none of your business.
- Xander: Y'know, because that whole stork thing is a smoke screen.
- Giles: Grave robbing? That's new. Interesting.
- Buffy: I know you meant to say 'gross and disturbing.'
- Giles: [halfheartedly] Yes, yes, yes of course. Uh, terrible thing. Must put a stop to it. Damn it.
- Cordelia : Eww! Why is it that every conversation you people have has the word corpse in it?
- Willow : Love makes you do the wacky.
- Buffy: Sorry, but I'm an old fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.
- Buffy: I don't get it. Why would anybody wanna make a girl?
- Xander: [bitterly] You mean when there's so many pre-made ones just laying around? The things we do for love.
- Buffy: Love has nothing to do with this.
- Xander: [as Willow looks on] Maybe not, but I'll tell you this: people don't fall in love with what's right in front of them. People want the dream. What they can't have.
- Buffy: Love makes you do the wacky.
- Angel : What?
- Buffy: Crazy stuff.
- Angel: Oh. Crazy, like a two-hundred-and-forty-one-year-old being jealous of a high school junior?
- Buffy:: Are you fessing up?
- Angel: I've thought about it. Maybe it bothers me a little.
- Buffy: I don't love Xander.
- Angel: [about Xander] He gets to be there when I can't. Take your classes, eat your meals, hear your jokes and complaints. He gets to see you in the sunlight.
- Buffy: Are you crazy? You don't just sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk. You stomp or... yodel.
- Buffy: Nope. Why? Are you jealous?
- Angel: Of Xander? Please. He's just a kid.
- Buffy: Is it 'cause I danced with him?
- Angel: "Danced with" is a pretty loose term. "Mated with" might be a little closer.
- Buffy: Don't you think you're being a little unfair? It was one little dance, which I only did to make you crazy, by the way. Behold my success.
- Angel: I am not jealous.
- Buffy: You're not jealous? What, vampires don't get jealous?
- Angel: See? Whenever we fight you always bring up the vampire thing.
- Eric: Cordelia's so fine. Y'know, she'd be just perfect for us.
- Chris: Don't be an idiot. She's alive.
- Willow: This shouldn't take long. I'm probably the only girl in school who has the coroner's office bookmarked as a favorite place.
- Xander: So, we dig up some graves tonight?
- Willow: Oh, boy! A field trip! Are you gonna call Angel?
- Buffy: I don't think so.
- Xander: Yeah, why bother him, huh?
- Buffy: Angel and I have been, um...Never mind. As far as Angel's concerned, I'm taking the night off, okay?
- Xander: So, we're set then. Say, nineish? BYO shovel?
- Willow: And I'll pack some food. Who else likes those little powdered doughnuts?
- Xander: Me.
- Cordelia: It was horrible. Angel saved me from an arm. God, there were so many parts, they were everywhere. Why are these terrible things always happening to me?
- Xander: Karma!
- Xander: How about that? I always pegged him as a one-woman vampire.
School Hard
- Principal Synder : Your parents, assuming you have any, will meet your teachers, assuming you have any left.
- Spike : You were there? Oh, please! If every vampire who said he was at the crucifixion was actually there, it would have been like Woodstock. I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person, and I spent the next six hours watching my hand move.
- Spike: You've got Slayer problems. That's a bad piece of luck. Do you know what I find works real good with Slayers? Killing them.
- Drusilla : The boy doesn't trust you. They follow him. I think sometimes that all my hair will fall out and I'll be bald.
- Buffy : Do we really need weapons for this?
- Spike: I just like them. They make me feel all manly.
- Joyce : [after braining Spike with an axe] You get the hell away from my daughter!
- Spike: A Slayer with family and friends. That sure as hell wasn't in the brochure.
- Willow : She was already smoking in fifth grade. Once I was lookout for her.
- Xander : You're bad to the bone.
- Willow: I'm a rebel.
- Xander: And while I'm whittling, I plan to whistle a jaunty tune.
- Buffy: We were at the Bronze before. Thought you said you might show.
- Angel : You said you weren't sure if you were going.
- Buffy: I was being cool. C'mon, you've been dating for, what, like, two hundred years? You don't know what a girl means when she says maybe she'll show?
- Xander: Okay, that's it. I'm puttin' a collar with a little bell on that guy.
- Angel: I taught you to always guard your perimeter. Tsk, tsk, tsk. You should have someone out there.
- Spike: I did. I'm surrounded by idiots. What's new with you?
- Angel: Everything.
- Spike: Yeah. Come up against this Slayer yet?
- Angel: She's cute. Not too bright, though. Gave the puppy dog "I'm all tortured" act. Keeps her off my back when I feed.
- Spike: People still fall for that Anne Rice routine. What a world!
- Xander: I knew you were lying. Undead liar guy.
- Spike: You think you can fool me?! You were my sire, man! You were my... Yoda!
- Angel: Things change.
- Spike: Not us! Not demons! Man, I can't believe this. You Uncle Tom!
- Xander: So, when you gave him my neck to chew on, why didn't you clock him before he had a chance to clock you?
- Angel: I told you. I couldn't make the first move. I had to see if he was buying it or not.
- Xander: A-and if he bit me, what then?
- Angel: We would've known he bought it.
Inca Mummy Girl
- Giles : You have responsibilities that other girls do not.
- Buffy : Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah blah biddy blah, I'm so stuffy, give me a scone.
- Buffy: One day I'm gonna live in a town where evil curses are just generally ruled out without even saying it.
- Devon : What does a girl have to do to impress you?
- Oz : Well, it involves a feather boa and the theme to A Summer Place. I can't discuss it here.
- Devon: You're too picky, man. Do you know how many girls you could have? You're lead guitar, Oz. It's currency!
- Oz: I'm not picky. You're just impressed by any pretty girl that can walk and talk.
- Devon: She doesn't have to talk.
- Xander : [on Twinkies] And the exciting part is that they have no ingredients that a human can pronounce, so it doesn't leave you with that heavy "food" feeling in your stomach.
- Willow : Well, you know, I have a choice. I can spend my life waiting for Xander to go out with every other girl in the world until he notices me, or I can just get on with my life.
- Buffy: Good for you.
- Willow: Well, I didn't choose yet.
- Xander: My dad tried to sell me to some Armenians once. Does that count?
- Xander: Hold on a sec. So, this person who's living with you for two weeks is a man. With man parts. This is a terrible idea.
- Willow: What about the beautiful melding of two cultures?
- Xander: There's no melding, okay? He better keep his parts to himself.
- Willow: You just don't like him 'cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years.
- Xander: Yeah. I'm irrational that way.
- Buffy: I wasn't gonna use violence. I don't always use violence. Do I?
- Xander: The important thing is you believe that.
- Buffy: Just this once I'd like to be the Overlooked One.
- Willow: On the other hand, maybe Rodney just stepped out for a smoke.
- Xander: For twenty-one hours?
- Willow: It's addictive, you know.
- Xander: Oh, yeah. Fall for the old "let me translate that ancient seal for ya" come-on. Tsh. D'ya know how many times I've used that?
- Willow: So, Ampata. You're a girl.
- Ampata: Yes. For many years now.
- Xander: Okay, no shirts with ruffles, no hats with feathers and definitely no lederhosen. They make my calves look fat.
- Willow: Why are you suddenly so worried about looking like an idiot? That came out wrong.
- Ampata: You are strange.
- Xander: Girls always tell me that. Right before they run away.
- Xander: That's great! You're not a praying mantis, are you? Sorry, someone else.
- Buffy: Come on! Can't you put your foot down?
- Giles: It is down.
- Buffy: One of these days you're gonna have to get a grownup car.
- Xander: I just, present company excluded, I have the worst taste in women of anyone in the world, ever.
Reptile Boy
- Willow : [explaining the Indian movie] She's sad because her lover gave her twelve gold coins, but then the wizard cut open the bag of salt, and now the dancing minions have no place to put their big maple... fish thing.
- Willow: [on coffee] It's the non-relationship drink of choice. It's not a date, it's a caffeinated beverage. Okay, sure, it's hot and bitter like a relationship that way, but...
- Giles : She lied to me?
- Willow: Well...
- Angel : Did... she have a date?
- Willow: [to Angel] Well, why do you think she went to that party? Because you gave her the brush-off! [to Giles] And you never let her do anything except work and patrol! And I know she's the chosen one, but you're killing her with the pressure! I mean, she's sixteen going on forty! [to Angel] And you! I mean, you're gonna live forever! You don't have time for a cup of coffee? Okay, I don't feel better now, and we've gotta help Buffy.
- Willow: Hey! Buffy! Snake! Basement! Now!
- Buffy : I told one lie, I had one drink.
- Giles: Yes, and you were very nearly devoured by a giant demon snake. The words "let that be a lesson" are a tad redundant at this juncture.
- Angel: What are you sayin', you wanna have a date?
- Buffy: No.
- Angel: You don't wanna have a date?
- Buffy: Who said 'date'? I-I-I never said 'date'.
- Angel: Right. You just wanna have coffee or somethin'.
- Buffy: Coffee?
- Angel: I knew this was gonna happen.
- Buffy: What? What do you think is happening?
- Angel: You're sixteen years old. I'm two hundred and forty-one.
- Buffy: I've done the math.
- Angel: You don't know what you're doing, you don't know what you want...
- Buffy: Oh. No, I, I think I do. I want out of this conversation.
- Angel: Listen, if we date you and I both know one thing's gonna lead to another.
- Buffy: One thing already has led to another. You think it's a little late to be reading me a warning label?
- Angel: I'm just tryin' to protect you. This could get outta control.
- Buffy: Isn't that the way it's supposed to be?
- Angel: This isn't some fairy tale. When I kiss you, you don't wake up from a deep sleep and live happily ever after.
- Buffy: No. When you kiss me I wanna die.
- Buffy: I-I'm not going with Angel. I'm going with -- ye gods -- Cordelia.
- Willow: Cordelia?! Did I sound a little jealous just then, 'cause I'm not really... Cordelia?!
- Xander : Cordelia's much better for you than Angel.
- Willow: What happened with Angel?
- Buffy: Nothing, as usual. A whole lotta nothing with Angel.
- Xander Bummer.
- Willow: I don't understand. I mean, he likes you. More than likes.
- Buffy: Angel barely says two words to me.
- Xander: Don't you hate that?
- Buffy: And when he does, he treats me like I'm a child.
- Xander: That bastard!
- Buffy: You know, at least Tom can carry on a conversation.
- Xander: Yeah! Tom? Who's Tom?
- Willow: The frat guy.
- Buffy: Angel showed up. He could smell it.
- Xander: The blood? There's a guy you wanna party with.
- Xander: Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?
- Willow:: I can't believe she lied to Giles. My world is all askew.
- Xander: Buffy's lying, Buffy's going to frat parties... That's not askew, that's cockeyed.
- Willow: Askew means cockeyed.
- Tom: No. We're not all a bunch of drunken louts. Some of us are sober louts.
- Willow: Oh! Sorry. The reflection thing that you don't have. Angel, how do you shave?
- Xander: Angel, Angel, Angel. Does every conversation we have have to come around to that freak? Hey, man, how you doin'?
- Angel: Buffy.
- Buffy: Angel.
- Xander: Xander!
- Angel: I hear this place, uh, serves coffee. I thought maybe you and I should get some. Sometime. If you want.
- Buffy: Yeah. Sometime. I'll let you know.
Halloween
- [Buffy, somewhat worse for the wear after her patrol, arrives at The Bronze to find Angel talking to Cordelia.]
- Angel : Buffy!
- Buffy : Hi! I'm…
- Angel: Late.
- Buffy: Rough day at the office.
- [Angel pulls a piece of straw from her hair.]
- Angel: So I see.
- Buffy: Hey, it's a look. A seasonal look.
- Cordelia : Buffy. Love the hair. It just screams street urchin.
- Xander : Those wacky vampires! That's why I love 'em! They just keep you guessing!
- Larry : You and Buffy, you're just friends, right?
- Xander: I like to think of it less as a friendship and more as a solid foundation for future bliss.
- [Xander confronts athlete Larry about insulting Buffy.]
- Larry: Well, what're you gonna do about it?
- Xander: I'm gonna do what any man would do about it…
- [He grabs Larry by the shirt.]
- Xander: … somethin' damn manly.
- Willow : It's too bad we can't sneak a look at the Watcher diaries and read up on Angel. I'm sure it's full of fun facts to know and tell.
- Buffy: Yeah. It's too bad. That stuff is private.
- Willow: Also Giles keeps them in his office. In his personal files.
- Buffy: Most importantly, it would be wrong.
- [Buffy admonishes Willow on her choice of a boring ghost costume.]
- Buffy: It's just… You're never gonna get noticed if you keep hiding! You're missing the whole point of Halloween.
- Willow: Free candy?
- Buffy: It's "come as you aren't" night! The perfect chance for a girl to get sexy and wild, with no repercussions.
- Willow: Oh, I don't get wild. Wild on me equals spaz.
- Drusilla : Do you love my insides? The parts you can't see?
- Spike : Eyeballs to entrails, my sweet.
- [Willow hesitatingly emerges from the bathroom in a knock-out outfit: a split leather skirt, rust long-sleeved halter, and choker.]
- Buffy: Wow! You're a dish! I mean, really!
- Willow: But… this just isn't me.
- Buffy: And that's the point! Look, Halloween is the night that "not you" is you, but not you. You know?
- Willow: [nervously] Yeah. O-o-okay.
- Buffy: Cool! I can't wait for the boys to go non-verbal when they see you!
- [Xander enters.]
- Xander: Private Harris reporting for…
- [He spies Buffy in her Southern belle costume.]
- Xander: Buffy! Lady of Buffdom, Duchess of Buffonia, I am in awe! I completely renounce spandex!
- Cordelia: Is Mr. I'm-the-lead-singer-I'm-so-great-I-don't-have-to-show- up-for-my-date-or-even-call gonna be there?
- Oz : Yeah, y'know, he's just going by "Devon" now.
- [Willow is frustrated by Buffy's becoming her costume's 18th-century Southern belle persona.]
- Willow: She couldn't have dressed up like Xena?
- Willow: Okay, your name is Cordelia, you're not a cat, you're in high school, and we're your friends. Well, sort of.
- Cordelia: That's nice, Willow. And you went mental when?
- [Spike observes the chaos in the streets from all the kids becoming their costumes.]
- Spike: Well, this is just… neat!
- [Ghost Willow, still in her un-Willow-like sexy outfit, tells Giles what's happening outside.]
- Giles : Um, so everybody became, uh, whatever they were masquerading as.
- Willow: Right. Xander was a soldier and Buffy was an 18th-century girl.
- Giles: [confused] A-and, uh, your, your costume?
- Willow: I'm a ghost.
- Giles: Yes. Um… w— uh, uh, uh, the ghost of what, exactly?
- Buffy: Tada. Just little old 20th-century me.
- Angel: Sure you're okay?
- Buffy: I'll live.
- Angel: I don't get it, Buffy. Why'd you think I'd like you better dressed that way?
- Buffy: I just wanted to be a real girl for once. The kind of fancy girl you liked when you were my age.
- Angel: Oh, ho.
- Buffy: What?
- Angel: I hated the girls back then. Especially the noble women.
- Buffy: You did.
- Angel: They were just incredibly dull. Simpering morons, the lot of them. I always wished I could meet someone... exciting. Interesting.
- Buffy: Really? Interesting how?
- Angel: You know how.
- Buffy: Still, I had a really hard day. You should probably tell me.
- Angel: You're right. I should.
- Buffy: Definitely.
Lie to Me
- Cordelia : I just don't see why everyone's always picking on Marie-Antoinette. I can so relate to her. She worked really hard to look that good, and people just don't appreciate that kind of effort. And I know the peasants were all depressed...
- Xander : I think you mean O-pressed.
- Cordelia: Whatever. They were cranky. So they're like, "Let's lose some heads." Uh! That's fair. And Marie-Antoinette cared about them. She was gonna let them have cake!
- Xander: "This is Ford, my bestest friend of all my friends!" Jeez, doesn't she know any fat guys?
- Xander: Angel was in your bedroom?!
- Willow : Ours is a forbidden love.
- Chantarelle: This is a beautiful day. Can't you see that?
- Buffy : What I see is that, right after the sun goes down, Spike and all of his friends are going to be pigging out at the all-you-can-eat moron bar.
- Xander: Hey, it's me. If Angel's doing somethin' wrong, I wanna know. 'Cause it gives me a happy!
- Buffy: Mm, I'm glad someone has a happy.
- Ford: Oh. I thought you were just slaying a vampire.
- Buffy: What? Whating a what?
- Willow: Oh! Angel! What are you doing here?
- Angel : I wanted to talk to you.
- Willow: Oh, well... Well?
- Angel: I can't. Unless you invite me, I can't come in.
- Willow: Oh! Well, okay, I invite you. To come in.
- Angel: I-if this is a bad time, I...
- Willow: No! I just... I'm not supposed to have boys in my room.
- Angel: I promise to behave myself.
- Willow: Okay. Good.
- Angel: I guess I need help.
- Willow: Help? You mean like on homework? No, 'cause you're old and you already know stuff.
- Angel: I want you to track someone down. On the 'Net.
- Willow: Oh! Great! I'm so the 'Net girl.
- Willow: Uh, Angel? If I say something you really don't wanna hear, do you promise not to bite me?
- Angel: Are you gonna tell me that I'm jealous?
- Willow: Well, you do sometimes get that way.
- Angel: You know, I never used to. Things used to be pretty simple. A hundred years, just hanging out, feelin' guilty... I really honed my brooding skills. Then she comes along. Yeah, I get jealous. But I know people. And my gut tells me this is a wrong guy.
- Xander: Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with Dead Boy on this one.
- Angel: Could you not call me that?
- Willow: The Lonely Ones?
- Angel: Vampires.
- Xander: Oh! We usually call them the nasty, pointy, bitey ones.
- Angel: Do you love me?
- Buffy: What?
- Angel: Do you?
- Buffy: I love you. I don't know if I trust you.
- Angel: Maybe you shouldn't do either.
- Buffy: Maybe I'm the one who should decide!
- Angel: I did a lot of unconscionable things when I became a vampire. Drusilla was the worst. She was... an obsession of mine. She was pure and sweet and chaste...
- Buffy: And you made her a vampire.
- Angel: First I made her insane. Killed everybody she loved. Visited every mental torture on her I could devise. She eventually fled to a convent, and on the day she took her holy orders, I turned her into a demon.
- Buffy: Well. I asked for the truth.
- [Buffy and Giles stand in front of Buffy's friend's grave.]
- Buffy: Does it ever get easy?
- Giles : You mean life?
- Buffy: Yeah. Does it get easy?
- Giles: What do you want me to say?
- Buffy: Lie to me.
- Giles: Yes, it's terribly simple. The good guys are always stalwart and true, the bad guys are easily distinguished by their pointy horns or black hats, and, uh, we always defeat them and save the day. No one ever dies, and everybody lives happily ever after.
- Buffy: Liar.
The Dark Age
- Xander : Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades.
- Buffy : He probably sat in math class thinking, 'There should be more math. This could be mathier.'
- Xander: Ooh, gang, didja hear that? A bonus day of class plus Cordelia! Mix in a little rectal surgery and it's my best day ever!
- Jenny : I just love to see you squirm.
- Giles : Yes, well, I, uh... trust I gave good... squirm.
- Jenny: Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a fuddy-duddy?
- Giles: Nobody ever seems to tell me anything else.
- Jenny: Did anyone ever tell you you're kind of a sexy fuddy-duddy?
- Giles: Well, no. Actually that part usually gets left out. I can't imagine why.
- Cordelia : There are books on computers? Isn't the point of computers to replace books?
- Buffy: Don't be sorry, be Giles. C'mon, we fight monsters. This is what we do. They show up, they scare us, I beat 'em up and they go away. This isn't any different!
- Buffy: I'm not gonna lie to you. It was scary. I'm so used to you being a grownup, and then I find out that you're a person.
- Giles: Um, a medical transport is delivering the monthly supply of blood to the hospital.
- Buffy: Mm. Vampire Meals-On-Wheels
- Buffy: How did you know about this?
- Angel: It's delivery day. Everybody knows about this.
- Angel : Maybe he's late.
- Buffy: Giles? Who counts tardiness as, like, the eighth deadly sin?
- Xander: Yep, yep, I knew this would happen. Nobody can be wound as straight and narrow as Giles without a dark side erupting. My Uncle Rory was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met by day. By night, it was booze, whores, and fur flying. Were there whores?
- Buffy: Xander, how do you feel about digging through some of Giles' personal files and seeing what you can find?
- Xander: I feel pretty good about it. Does that make me a sociopath? Nah.
- Xander: That's it! Twelve years of you and I'm snappin'! I don't care if you're a girl or not, I'm throwin' down! Come on!
- Cordelia: I've seen you fight. And don't think I can't take you!
- Xander: Give it your best shot.
- Willow : HEY! We don't have time for this! Our friends are in trouble! Now, we have to put our heads together and, and get them out of it! And if you two aren't with me a hundred and ten percent, then get the hell out of my library!
- Cordelia: We're sorry.
- Xander: We'll be good.
- Buffy: You knew that if the demon was in trouble it was gonna jump into the nearest dead person.
- Angel: I put it in danger.
- Willow: And it jumped.
- Angel: I've had a demon inside me for a couple hundred years... just waitin' for a good fight.
- Buffy: Winner and still champion.
What's My Line?, Part 1
- Buffy : Do I like shrubs?
- Xander : That's between you and your god.
- Buffy: I wish we could be regular kids.
- Angel : Yeah. I'll never be a kid.
- Buffy: Okay, then a regular kid and her cradle-robbing, creature-of-the-night boyfriend.
- Buffy: Well, there you go! I don't have to be the Slayer. I could be dead.
- Giles : That wasn't terribly funny. You'll notice I don't laugh.
- Buffy: Wouldn't be much of a change. Either way I'm bored, constricted, I never get to shop, and... my hair and fingernails still continue to grow. So, really, when you think about it, what's the diff?
- [Willow, sleeping over an open book, bolts upright.]
- Willow : Don't warn the tadpoles!
- Giles: "Don't warn the tadpoles"?
- Willow: I… I have frog fear.
- Dalton: Yes, but... The Order of Taraka. I mean, isn't that overkill?
- Spike : No, I think it's just enough kill.
- [Oz's first word to Willow, as they sit next to each other in a special career reception.]
- Oz : Canapé?
- Giles: You're behaving remarkably immaturely.
- Buffy: You know why? I am immature. I'm a teen. I have yet to mature.
- Cordelia : I can't even believe you. You dragged me out of bed for a ride? What am I, mass transportation?
- Xander: That's what a lot of the guys say, but it's just locker room talk. I wouldn't pay it any mind.
- Cordelia: Oh, great, so now I'm your taxi and your punching bag.
- Xander: I like to think of you more as my witless foil, but have it your way.
- Angel: Buffy! You scared me.
- Buffy: Now you know what it feels like, Stealth Guy.
- Buffy: Uh, we're having this thing at school.
- Angel: Career week?
- Buffy: How did you know?
- Angel: I lurk.
- Xander: "Are you a people person, or do you prefer keeping your own company?" Well, what if I'm a people person who keeps his own company by default?
- Buffy: So, mark "none of the above".
- Xander: Well, there are no boxes for "none of the above". That would introduce too many variables into their mushroom head, number-crunching little world.
- Xander: What, and suck all the spontaneity out of being young and stupid? I'd rather live in the dark.
- Willow: You're not gonna be young forever.
- Xander: Yes, but I'll always be stupid.
- Xander: Y'know, with that kind of attitude you could've had a bright future as an employee at the DMV.
- Cordelia: Oh, here I am. "Personal shopper or motivational speaker".Neato!
- Xander: Motivational speaker? On what? Ten ways to a more annoying you?
- Buffy: Color me stunned.
- Principal Snyder : It's worth nothing, Harris. Whatever comes out of your mouth is a meaningless waste of breath. An airborne toxic event.
- Xander: Well, I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to be so honest with me. And I can only hope that one day I'm in the position to be that honest with you.
- Buffy: Note to self: religion: freaky.
- Xander: So, why go to all the trouble of inventing something, and then giving it a weak name like that? I mean, I'da gone with "The Cross-o- matic", or, uh, "The Amazing Mr. Cross".
- Xander: But Ho-Hos are a vital part of my cognitive process!
- Xander: No, it's a statistical impossibility for a sixteen-year-old girl to unplug her phone.
- Willow: You and Angel are going skating? Alone?
- Buffy: Unless some unforeseen evil pops up. But I'm in full "see no evil" mode.
- Willow: Angel ice-skating.
- Buffy: I know. Two worlds collide.
- Buffy: The Hellmouth presents Dead Guys On Ice. Not exactly the evening we were aiming for.
- Angel: You're in danger. You know what the ring means?
- Buffy: I just killed a Super Bowl champ?
- Angel: I'm serious! You should go home and wait until you hear from me.
- Angel: You shouldn't have to touch me when I'm like this.
- Buffy: Oh. I didn't even notice.
- Angel: Sure you are, Willy. And I'm taking up sunbathing.
- Angel: You know, I'm a little rusty when it comes to killing humans. It could take a while.
What's My Line?, Part 2
- Kendra : Did I not see you kissing a vampire?
- Willow : Buffy would never do that! Oh. Except for... sometimes you do that.
- [Spike is dragging an unconscious Angel away.]
- Willy : What are you gonna do with him anyway?
- Spike : I'm thinking... maybe dinner and a movie. I don't want to rush into anything. I've been hurt, you know.
- Cordelia : Here! I don't do worms.
- Oz : Well, I sorta test well. Y'know, which is cool. Except that it leads to jobs.
- Willow: Well, don't you have any ambition?
- Oz: Oh, yeah. Yeah. E-flat diminished ninth.
- Willow: Huh?
- Oz: Well, the E-flat, it's... it's doable. But it's that diminished ninth, you know... it's a man's chord. You could lose a finger.
- Xander : Who sponsored career day today? The British Soccer Fan Association?
- Willow: Don't worry, Buffy, we'll save Angel.
- Kendra: Angel? But our priority is to stop Drusilla!
- Xander: Angel's our friend! Except I don't like him.
- Drusilla : Say "uncle". Oh, that's right, you killed my uncle.
- Oz: The monkey's the only cookie animal that gets to wear clothes, you know that? You have the sweetest smile I've ever seen. So I'm wondering, do the other cookie animals feel sorta ripped? Like, is the hippo going, "Hey, where are my pants? I have my hippo dignity." And, you know, the monkey's just [in a French accent] "I mock you with my monkey pants." And then there's a big coup at the zoo.
- Willow: The monkey is French?
- Oz: All monkeys are French. You didn't know that?
- Giles : Not to my knowledge. Um, th-the new Slayer is only called after the previous Slayer has died. Uh... Oh, good Lord! You were dead, Buffy.
- Buffy : I was only gone for a minute.
- Buffy: I don't take orders. I do things my way.
- Kendra: No wonder you died.
- Buffy: You and bug people, Xander. What's up with that?
- Xander: No, but this dude was completely different than praying mantis lady. He was a man of bugs, not a man who was a bug.
- Buffy: You know. No kick-o, no fight-o?
- Kendra: Oh. Dey call me Kendra. I have no last name, sir.
- Buffy: Can you say "stuck in the '80s"?
- Willow: There's a Slayer handbook?
- Buffy: Wait. Handbook? What handbook? How come I don't have a handbook?
- Willow: Is there a T-shirt, too? 'Cause that would be cool...
- Willow: Oh, that's Oz. He's expressing computer nerd solidarity.
- Xander: A Slayer, huh? I knew this "I'm the only one, I'm the only one" thing was just an attention-getter.
- Kendra: Did anyone explain to you what "secret identity" means?
- Buffy: Nope. Must be in the handbook.
- Buffy: It's your lucky day, Spike.
- Kendra: Two Slayers!
- Buffy: No waiting!
- Buffy: Good. 'Cause I've had it. Spike is going down. You can attack me, you can send assassins after me, that's fine. But nobody messes with my boyfriend!
- Giles: There are forty-three churches in Sunnydale? That seems a little excessive.
- Willow: It's the extra evil vibe from the Hellmouth. Makes people pray harder.
Ted
- Joyce : He redid my entire system at the gallery, freed up a lot of my time.
- Buffy : To meet new people. And smooch them in my kitchen.
- Buffy: Vampires are creeps.
- Giles : Yes, that's why one slays them.
- Buffy: I mean, people are perfectly happy getting along, and then vampires come, and they run around and they kill people, and they take over your whole house, they start making these stupid little mini-pizzas, and everyone's like, "I like your mini pizzas", but I'm telling you, I am—
- Giles: Uh, Buffy! I believe the subtext here is rapidly becoming, uh... text.
- Xander : Hey, Cordy! Nice outfit.
- Cordelia : Oh, very funny.
- Xander: Not really.
- Cordelia: What are you saying?
- Xander: Nice outfit?
- Cordelia: Well, why don't you just keep your mouth shut?
- Cordelia: I thought you liked him!
- Xander: I sometimes like things that are not good for me.
- Cordelia: [about Buffy] But she's like this superman. Shouldn't there be different rules for her?
- Willow : Sure, in a fascist society.
- Cordelia: Right! Why can't we have one of those?
- Xander: How is Angel? Pretend I care.
- Willow: And you're loving playing nursemaid?
- Buffy: Oh, yeah!
- Xander: So, is it better than playing naughty stewardess?
- Buffy: Can you say 'sucking chest wound?'
- Buffy: Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!
- Willow: I just wanna learn stuff.
- Cordelia: Like how to build your own serial killer?
- Xander: Uh, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.
- Buffy: So Mom's like, "Do you think Ted will like this?" and "This is Ted's favorite show", and "Ted's teaching me computers", and "Ted said the funniest thing", and I'm like, "That's really great, Mom", and then she said I was being sarcastic, which I was, but I'm sorry if I don't wanna talk about Ted all the time.
- Angel : So, you gonna talk about something else at some point?
- Buffy: I'm sorry. I just have so much to deal with, I don't need some new guy in my life.
- Angel: No, but maybe your mom does.
- Buffy: Well, sure, if you're gonna use wisdom.
- Angel: Loneliness is about the scariest thing there is.
- Buffy: Okay, so my mom needs a guy in her life. Does it have to be Ted?
- Angel: Do you have somebody else in mind? There's a guy out there that would satisfy you?
- Buffy: My dad? Yeah, okay, that's not gonna happen. Fine, fine, I'll give Ted a chance. I'll play mini-golf, and I'll smile and curtsy and be the dutiful daughter. Do I have to like him?
- Angel: Kiss me.
- Buffy: Finally, something I wanna do!
Bad Eggs
- Mr. Whitmore: ...it's often difficult to remember that there are negative consequences to having sex. Would anyone care to offer one such consequence?
- Cordelia : Well, that depends. Are you talking about sex in the car or out of the car? Because I have a friend, not me, that was in a Miata parked at the top of the hill, and then she kicked the gearshift, and, and...
- Xander : Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words. You... Angel... big... smoochies?
- Xander: Which is another secret to conscientious egg care. A pot of scalding water and about eight minutes.
- Willow : You boiled your young?
- Giles : I suppose there is a sort of Machiavellian ingenuity to your transgression.
- Xander: I resent that! Or possibly thank you.
- Cordelia: It's an egg, Buffy, it doesn't emote.
- Xander: Can I just say... gyuhhhh?
- Buffy : I see your gyuhhhh and raise you a ngyahhh!
- Willow: Hey, maybe you can have Angel help you find the Gorches.
- Giles: Yes! Yes, yes, that's not a bad idea. Strength in numbers.
- Xander: Oh, right. I see a lotta hunting getting done in that scenario.
- Buffy: Please. Like Angel and I are just helpless slaves to passion. Grow up!
- Tector: That the Slayer?
- Lyle: Yep.
- Tector: Ain't that Angelus with her?
- Lyle: Yep.
- Tector: Well, how come she ain't slayin'? And how come he's about to make me blush?
- Angel : Not like I have an early day tomorrow.
- Angel: So you don't think about the future?
- Buffy: No.
- Angel: Never?
- Buffy: No.
- Angel: You really don't care what happens a year from now? Five years from now?
- Buffy: Angel, when I look into the future, all I see is you! All I want is you.
- Angel: I know the feeling.
- Lyle: I told you this weren't over.
- Tector: She's so cute. And little. Think we can keep her?
Surprise
- [In Buffy's dream, she walks through a crowd at The Bronze. At one table, Willow talks to a monkey in a red jacket and hat.]
- Willow : L'hippo a piqué ton pantalon.
- Roughly speaking, that's French for "The hippo stole your pants."
- [Buffy tells Angel about her dream, in which Drusilla kills him.]
- Angel : Still, not every dream you have comes true. I mean, what else did you dream last night? Can you remember?
- Buffy : I dreamt… I dreamt that Giles and I opened an office supply warehouse in Vegas.
- Angel: See my point?
- . . .
- Angel: You still haven't told me what you wanted for your birthday.
- Buffy: Surprise me.
- Angel: Okay. I will.
- Buffy: This is nice. I like seeing you first thing in the morning.
- Angel: It's bedtime for me.
- Buffy: Well, then I like seeing you at bedtime. Um… um, heh… y-you know what I mean.
- Angel: I think so. What do you mean?
- Buffy: I like seeing you. The part at the end of the night where we say goodbye… It's getting harder.
- Angel: Yeah. It is.
- [Buffy frets to Willow about getting serious with Angel.]
- Willow: Carpe diem! You told me that, once.
- Buffy: "Fish of the day"?
- Willow: Not carp — carpe! It means "seize the day".
- Buffy: Right.
- . . .
- [Buffy prods Willow about her interest in Oz.]
- Willow: Oh, I don't know, though. He is a senior.
- Buffy: You think he's too old 'cause he's a senior? Please. My boyfriend had a bicentennial.
- . . .
- Buffy: You can't spend the rest of your life waiting for Xander to wake up and smell the hottie. Make a move. Do the talking thing.
- Willow: Well, what if the talking thing becomes the awkward-silence thing?
- [Later with Oz, Willow tries to summon the nerve to carpe her own diem, but he interrupts.]
- Oz : I'm gonna ask you to go out with me tomorrow night. And I'm… kinda nervous about it, actually. It's interesting.
- Willow: Oh! Well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna say "yes".
- Oz: Yeah, it helps. It— it creates a comfort zone. [pauses] Do you wanna go out with me tomorrow night?
- [Suddenly, Willow slaps her forehead.]
- Willow: Oh! I can't!
- Oz: Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable.
- Willow: Oh… it's just, it's Buffy's birthday, and we're throwing her a surprise party.
- Oz: It's okay.
- Willow: But you could come! If you wanted.
- Oz: Well, I don't wanna crash.
- Willow: No, it's fine! Well, you could be m— my date.
- Oz: All right. I'm in.
- [Willow walks off happily.]
- Willow: [to herself] I said "date"!
- [As Buffy's friends lie in wait at the otherwise empty Bronze for her surprise birthday party, Buffy arrives by crashing through the window, struggling with a vampire. After a bit more tussle, she dusts him. As Buffy's friends stand agape, Cordelia jumps out of hiding.]
- Cordelia : Surprise!
- Oz: That pretty much sums it up.
- . . .
- [Willow turns to "civilian" Oz.]
- Willow: Are you okay?
- Oz: Yeah. Hey, did everybody see that guy just turn to dust?
- Willow: Ohhh, well… sort of.
- Xander : Yep. Vampires are real, a lot of 'em live in Sunnydale, Willow will fill you in.
- Willow: I know it's hard to accept at first.
- Oz: Actually, it explains a lot.
Innocence
- Drusilla : I'm naming all the stars.
- Spike : You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also, it's day.
- Spike: Did you see any further? Do you know what happens to Angel?
- Angelus : Well, he moves to New York and tries to fulfill that Broadway dream. It's tough sledding, but one day he's working in the chorus when the big star twists her ankle.
- Spike: You don't give up, do you?
- Angelus: As long as there's injustice in the world, as long as scum like you is walking... well, rolling the streets... I'll be around. Look over your shoulder. I'll be there.
- Spike: Uh, yeah. Angel, um... look over your shoulder.
- Spike: Hurts, doesn't it?
- Angelus: Well, you know, it kinda itches a little.
- Spike: Don't just stand there. Burn him.
- Angelus: Gee, maybe he's broken.
- Spike: What the hell is going on?
- Judge: This one... cannot be burnt. He is clean.
- Spike: Clean? You mean, he's...
- Judge: There's no humanity in him.
- Angelus: I couldn't have said it better myself.
- Drusilla: Angel.
- Angelus: Yeah, baby. I'm back.
- Spike: No more of this 'I've got a soul' crap?
- Angelus: What can I say, hmm? I was going through a phase.
- Spike: You've really got a yen to hurt this girl, haven't you?
- Angelus: She made me feel like a human being. That's not the kind of thing you just forgive.
- Willow : I knew it! I knew it! Well, not 'knew it' in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know. You two were fighting way too much. It's not natural!
- Xander : I know it's weird...
- Willow: Weird? It's against all laws of God and Man! It's Cordelia! Remember? The, the 'We Hate Cordelia' club, of which you are the treasurer.
- Xander: Look, I was gonna tell you.
- Willow: Gee, what stopped you? Could it be shame?
- Angelus: Your boyfriend is dead. You're all gonna join him.
- Buffy : Leave Willow alone, and deal with me.
- Angelus: But she's so cute and helpless. Really a turn-on.
- Spike: Now, I know you haven't been in the game for a while, mate, but we still do kill people. Sort of our raison d'être, you know.
- Angelus: Spike, my boy, you really don't get it! Do you? You tried to kill her, but you couldn't. Look at you. You're a wreck! She's stronger than any Slayer you've ever faced. Force won't get it done. You gotta work from the inside. To kill this girl... you have to love her.
- Angelus: Well, it's not really the kind of message you tell. It sort of involves finding the bodies of all your friends.
- Cordelia : Well, does looking at guns make you wanna have sex?
- Xander: I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me wanna have sex.
- Angelus: What? I took off.
- Buffy: But you didn't say anything. You just left.
- Angelus: Yeah. Like I really wanted to stick around after that.
- Buffy: What?
- Angelus: You got a lot to learn about men, kiddo. Although I guess you proved that last night.
- Buffy: What are you saying?
- Angelus: Let's not make an issue out of it, okay? In fact, let's not talk about it at all. It happened.
- Buffy: I, I don't understand. Was it m-me? Was I not good?
- Angelus: You were great. Really. I thought you were a pro.
- Xander: Whoa. Whoa! I... I think I'm having a thought. Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a thought. Now I'm having a plan... Now I'm having a wiggins.
- Oz : So, do you guys steal weapons from the Army a lot?
- Willow: Well, we don't have cable, so we have to make our own fun.
- Oz: Sometimes when I'm sitting in class... You know, I'm not thinking about class, 'cause that would never happen. I think about kissing you. And it's like everything stops. It's like, it's like freeze frame. Willow kissage.
- Angelus: I'm gonna give her a kiss. Don't you look spiffy!
- Judge: Spiffy?
- Buffy: Everybody keep back. Damage control only. Take out any lesser vamps if you can. I'll handle the Smurf.
- Angelus: You know what the worst part was, huh? Pretending that I loved you. If I'd known how easily you'd give it up, I wouldn't have even bothered.
- Buffy: That doesn't work anymore. You're not Angel.
- Angelus: You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? It doesn't matter. The important thing is you made me the man I am today!
- Angelus: You can't do it. You can't kill me.
- Buffy: Give me time.
Phases
- Larry: That little innocent schoolgirl thing is just an act, right?
- Oz : Yeah. Yeah, she's actually an evil mastermind. It's fun.
- [Willow bemoans her lack of romantic progress with Oz to Buffy.]
- Willow : It is nice. He's great. We have a lot of fun. But I want smoochies!
- Buffy : Have you dropped any hints?
- Willow: I've dropped anvils.
- Buffy: Well, he'll come around. What guy could resist your wily Willow charms?
- Willow: At last count? All of them. Maybe more.
- Buffy: Well, none of them know a thing! They all get an "F" in Willow.
- Willow: But I want Oz to get an "A"… and, oh! — one of those gold stars!
- [Buffy is putting up a brave front after losing Angel to the dark side.]
- Buffy: But I would do a lot better if you and Xander and I could do that "sharing our misery" thing tonight.
- Willow: Great. I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah — 1-800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho.
- Giles : Quite. And it, uh, acts on-on pure instinct. No conscience, uh, uh, predatory and, and aggressive.
- Buffy: In other words, your typical male.
- Xander : On behalf of my gender, hey!
- Giles: Yes, let's not jump to any conclusions.
- Buffy: I didn't jump. I took a tiny step, and there conclusions were.
- Oz: Aunt Maureen. Hey, it's me. Um, what? Oh! It's, uh... actually it's healing okay. That's pretty much the reason I called. Um, I wanted to ask you something. Is Jordy a werewolf? Uh-huh. And how long has that been going on? Uh-huh. What? No, no reason. Um... Thanks. Yeah, love to Uncle Ken.
- Buffy: Welcome to the mystery that is men. I think it goes something like, they grow body hair, they lose all ability to tell you what they really want.
- Willow: Well, I like you. You're nice, and you're funny, and you don't smoke. Yeah, okay, werewolf, but… that's not all the time. I mean, three days out of the month, I'm not much fun to be around either.
- Oz: You are quite the human.
- Willow: So… I'd still, if you'd still.
- Oz: I'd still. I'd very still!
- Willow: Okay. No biting, though.
- Oz: Agreed.
- [Willow walks off, then runs back and gives Oz a quick but thorough kiss. She leaves again.]
- Oz: Huh. A werewolf in love.
Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered
- Xander : Well, this is new territory for me. I mean, my valentines are usually met with heartfelt restraining orders.
- Buffy : Sorry to say, Xand, slaying is a tad more perilous than dating.
- Xander: Well, you're obviously not dating Cordelia.
- Angelus : Dear Buffy. I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.
- Spike : Why don't you rip her lungs out? It might make an impression.
- Angelus: Lacks... poetry.
- Spike: It doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?
- Oz : I was on the phone all night, listening to Willow cry about you. Now, I don't know exactly what happened, but I was left with a very strong urge to... hit you.
- Angelus: I guess I really did drive you crazy.
- Buffy: I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here.
- Oz: But you're not a rat. So call it an upside.
- Buffy: You think maybe you could get me some clothing?
- Oz: Yes, I can. Just, uh... don't go anywhere.
- Buffy: Really not an issue.
- Xander: Do you know what's a good day to break up with somebody? Any day besides Valentine's Day! I mean, what, were you running low on dramatic irony?
- Cordelia : And keep your mom-aged mitts off my boyfriend. Former!
Passion
- Angelus : It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we can live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace. But we would be hollow. Empty rooms, shuttered and dark. Without passion, we'd be truly dead.
- [Some students enter the library]
- Xander : Excuse me, but have you ever heard of knocking?
- Jonathan : We're supposed to get some books. On Stalin.
- Xander: Does this look like a Barnes & Noble?
- Giles : This is a school library, Xander.
- Xander: Since when?
- Giles: Since Angel lost his soul, he's regained his sense of whimsy.
- Willow : We had kind of a pajama party sleepover with weapons thing.
- Xander: Oh. And I don't suppose either of you had the presence of mind to locate a camera to capture the moment.
- Xander: Watcher's pet.
- Willow: I swear, men can be such jerks sometimes. Dead or alive.
- Buffy : It's so weird... Every time something like this happens, my first instinct is still to run to Angel. I can't believe it's the same person. He's completely different from the guy that I knew.
- Willow: Well, sort of, except...
- Buffy: Except what?
- Willow: You're still the only thing he thinks about.
- Angelus: Well, maybe next time I'll bring you with me, Spike. Might be handy to have you around if I ever need a really good parking space.
- Jenny : A present for a friend of mine.
- Shopkeeper: Really? What are you gonna give him?
- Jenny: His soul.
- Angelus: I haven't been able to sleep since the night we made love.
- Buffy: Sorry, Angel. Changed the locks.
- Angelus: I heard. You went shopping at the local boogedy-boogedy store.
- Angelus: No, thanks. Been there, done that, and deja vu just isn't what it used to be.
- Angelus: Oh, good. I need to work up an appetite first.
- Buffy: Yeah. He was the first. I mean, the only.
- Joyce : Are you in love with him?
- Buffy: I was.
- Xander: I'm sorry, but let's not forget that I hated Angel long before you guys jumped on the bandwagon. So I think I deserve a little something for not saying 'I told you so' long before now. And if Giles wants to go after the, uh, fiend that murdered his girlfriend, I say, 'Faster, Pussycat! Kill! Kill!'
- Spike : Are you insane?! We're supposed to kill the bitch, not leave gag gifts in the friends' beds.
- Drusilla : But, Spike, the bad teacher was going to restore Angel's soul.
- Spike: What if she did? If you ask me, I find myself preferring the old Buffy-whipped Angelus. This new, improved one is not playing with a full sack. I love a good slaughter as much as the next bloke, but his little pranks will only leave us with one incredibly brassed-off Slayer!
- Angelus: Don't worry, roller boy. I've got everything under control.
- Angelus: Jeez, whatever happened to wooden stakes?
- Buffy: I can't hold on to the past anymore. Angel has gone. Nothing's ever gonna bring him back.
Killed By Death
- Xander : You don't know how to kill this thing.
- Buffy : I thought I might try violence.
- Xander: Solid call.
- Xander: Man, Buffy! My whole life just flashed before my eyes! I gotta get me a life!
- Buffy: No, I feel fine. I mean, I'm... the world's spinning a little bit, but I like it, it's kinda like a ride.
- Cordelia : We're all concerned about how gross you look.
- Angelus : Uh-oh. This does not look good for our heroine.
- Xander: Take a walk, overbite.
- Xander: She fell.
- Willow : The flu.
- Cordelia: She fainted.
- Xander: The flu, fainted and fell. She's sick, make it better!
- Buffy: Hey. Here we are. It's all of we. Are we taking me home?
- Dr. Wilkinson: No. Buffy, you need to lie down, honey.
- Buffy: Yeah? Lie at home. My bed is better than any bed that's... not my bed.
- Buffy: Shhh! Hospital zone. No singing.
- Xander: Visiting hours are over.
- Angelus: Well, I'm pretty much family.
- Xander: Yeah. Why don't you come back during the day? Oh, gee, no, I guess you can't.
- Angelus: If I decide to walk into Buffy's room, do you think for one microsecond that you could stop me?
- Xander: Maybe not. Maybe that security guard couldn't either. Or those cops... or the orderlies... But I'm kinda curious to find out. You game?
- Angelus: Buffy's White Knight. You still love her. It must just eat you up that I got there first.
- Xander: You're gonna die. And I'm gonna be there.
- Angelus: Tell her I stopped by.
- Xander: Flowers for milady.
- Buffy: I think they call them balloons.
- Xander: Yeah, stick them in water. Maybe they'll grow.
- [Willow brings Buffy, who is in hospital, her homework]
- Buffy: Homework.
- Willow: It's my way of saying get well soon.
- Buffy: You know, chocolate says that even better.
- Willow: I did all your assignments. All you have to do is sign your name.
- Buffy: Chocolate means nothing to me.
- Giles : Cordelia, have you actually ever heard of tact?
- Cordelia: Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass.
- Cordelia: Oh, right. Your obsession with protecting Buffy. Have I told you how attractive that's not?
- Xander: Cordelia, someone's gotta watch her back.
- Cordelia: Yeah, well, I've seen you watch her back.
- Xander: What is that supposed to mean?
- Cordelia: Well, I was using the phrase 'watch her back' as a euphemism for 'looking at her butt.' You know, sort of a pun.
- Xander: Oh! Right. Hey!
- Cordelia: Well, you do.
- Xander: Jealous?
- Cordelia: Fine. Watch my back.
- Willow: I'm good at medical stuff, since Xander and I used to play doctor all the time.
- Xander: No, she's being literal. She used to have all these medical volumes, and diagnosed me with stuff. I didn't have the heart to tell her she was playing it wrong.
- Willow: Wrong? Why? How did you play doctor?
- Buffy: I... never have.
- Xander: Cordy, you should go with Giles.
- Giles: Why do I have to have...? Good thinking, I could do with a research assistant.
- Cordelia: Let's go, Tact-Guy.
- Xander: He's dead right? I mean, I heard something snap.
- Buffy: That would be his neck.
- Xander: You're not gonna yak on me, are ya?
- Xander: Your mom's tryin' to Bogart the cheesy chips. What's that all about?
I Only Have Eyes For You
- Buffy : Impulsive? Do you remember my ex-boyfriend, the vampire? I slept with him, he lost his soul, now my boyfriend's gone forever, and the demon that wears his face is killing my friends. The next impulsive decision I make will involve my choice of dentures.
- Willow : Okay, the Angel thing went badly, I'm on board with that, but that's not your fault. And anyways, love isn't always like that. Love can be... nice!
- Buffy: What happened?! You just went O.J. on your girlfriend!
- Xander : Something weird is going on. Isn't that our school motto?
- Xander: Oh, no, no. No. No cool. This was no wimpy chain rattler. This was 'I'm dead as hell, and I'm not gonna take it anymore.'
- Giles : Well, despite the Xander-speak, that's a fairly accurate definition of a poltergeist.
- Xander: I defined something? Accurately? Guess I'm done with the book learning.
- Spike : Well, our old place was just fine till you went and had it burned down.
- Angelus : Things change, Spikey. You gotta roll with the punches. Well, actually, you pretty much got that part down, haven't you?
- Spike: Very funny, mate.
- Angelus: What can I say? I just love to see you smile, buddy.
- Angelus: What do you know about it? I'm the one who was friggin' violated. You didn't have this thing in you.
- Drusilla : What was it? A demon?
- Angelus: Love!
- Drusilla: Poor Angel.
- Giles: To forgive is an act of compassion, Buffy. It's not done because people deserve it, it's done because they need it.
- Buffy: No. James destroyed the one person he loved the most in a moment of blind passion. And that's not something you forgive. No matter why he did what he did. And no matter if he knows now that it was wrong and selfish and stupid, it is just something he's gonna have to live with.
- Xander: He can't live with it, Buff. He's dead.
Go Fish
- Xander : All I'm saying is, it's a stupid idea to have a victory party at the beach. It's officially nippy. So say my nips.
- Xander: Last month he's the freak with jicama breath who waxes his back. He wins a few meets and suddenly inherits the cool gene?
- Cordelia : Well, all I know is, my cheerleading squad wasted a lot of pep on losers. It's about time our school excelled at something.
- Willow : Hmm. You're forgetting our high mortality rate.
- Xander: We're number one!
- [Willow relates Snyder's attempt to get her to change Cameron's grade.]
- Xander: That's wrong. A big fat spanking wrong. It's a slap in the face to every one of us who studied hard and worked long hours to earn our Ds.
- Cordelia: Xander, I know you take pride in being the voice of the common wuss, but the truth is, certain people are entitled to special privileges. They're called winners. That's the way the world works.
- Xander: And what about that nutty "all men are created equal" thing?
- Cordelia: Propaganda spouted out by the ugly and less deserving.
- Xander: I think that was Lincoln.
- Cordelia: Disgusting mole and stupid hat.
- Willow: Actually, it was Jefferson.
- Cordelia: Kept slaves. Remember?
- Cameron: Relax, I'm not going to hurt you.
- Buffy : Oh, it's not me I'm worried about.
- Buffy: So I'm treated like the baddie, just because he has a sprained wrist and a bloody nose… and I don't have a scratch on me… which, granted, hurts my case a little, on the surface…
- Buffy: So, something ripped him open and ate out his insides?
- Willow: Like an Oreo cookie. Well, except for, you know, without the… chocolatey cookie goodness.
- Willow: So we're looking for a beastie.
- Giles : That, uh, eats humans whole… except for the skin.
- Buffy: This doesn't make any sense.
- Xander: Yeah, the skin's the best part.
- Buffy: Any demons with high cholesterol?
- [Giles gives them a disdainful look.]
- Buffy: You're gonna think about that later, mister, and you're gonna laugh!
- Cordelia: God, this is so sad. We're never gonna win the state championship. I think I've lost all will to cheerlead.
- Xander: Raise your hand if you feel her pain.
- Buffy: You should question him.
- Willow: Really? Me? I'll crack him like an egg.
- Xander: What about me? What can I do?
- Cordelia: Well, you could go out to the parking lot and practice running like a man.
- [Buffy tries unconvincingly to pretend she's interested in Gage.]
- Buffy: You see, I'm a swim groupie.
- Gage: Uh-huh.
- Buffy: Oh, yeah, you know, there's just something about the smell of chlorine on a guy. Oh, baby.
- Gage: Hmm.
- [He turns to leave. Buffy cuts him off.]
- Buffy: Uh, okay, okay, okay. Obviously, my sex appeal is on the fritz today…
- [After Angel inexplicably stops biting Gage, Buffy confronts him.]
- Angelus : Why, Miss Summers! You're beautiful!
- [He throws Gage into Buffy and leaves, still spitting out Gage's blood. The two humans get up.]
- Gage: Oh. Was that the thing that killed Cameron?
- Buffy: No. That was something else.
- Gage: S-something else?
- Buffy: Yeah. Unfortunately, we have a lot of something elses in this town.
- [The next day, at a swim team practice…]
- Cordelia: So he spit it out? I thought Angel liked blood.
- Buffy: He used to.
- Willow: Maybe his eyes were too big for his stomach.
- [New swim-team member Xander, clad only in a Speedo swimsuit, sneaks over to talk to the girls.]
- Cordelia: What the hell are you doing here?
- Xander: Shhh! I'm undercover!
- Buffy: [with a bemused appraisal] You're not under much.
- Xander: I figure, I can keep an eye on Gage and the others when Buffy can't.
- Willow: When you're nude? [Buffy nudges her] I-I meant to say "changing".
- Coach Marin: Harris! You can flirt on your own time!
- Xander: Okey-dokey, coachie.
- Xander: He was right behind me, putting his sneakers on. But it's not the Velcro kind, so give him a couple of extra minutes.
- [Xander is panicked after his fish-making steam treatment.]
- Buffy: I wouldn't break out the tartar sauce just yet. It's not like you were exposed more than once. [pauses] Twice?
- Xander: Three times a Fish Guy.
- Buffy, Willow: Oh.
- Cordelia: Whoa!
- Xander: What am I gonna do?
- Cordelia: You, you, you! What about me?! It's one thing to be dating the lame unpopular guy, but it's another to be dating the Creature from the Blue Lagoon.
- Xander: Black Lagoon! The Creature from the Blue Lagoon was Brooke Shields. And thank you so much for your support!
- Buffy: I think we'd better find the rest of the swim team and lock them up before they get in touch with their inner halibut.
- Coach Marin: You got some imagination, Missy.
- Buffy: Oh, well, right now I'm imagining you in jail. You're wearing a big orange suit, and, oh look, the guards are beating you up.
- Coach Marin: Boy, when they were handin' out school spirit, you didn't even stand in line, did you?
- Buffy: No. I was in the line for "shred of sanity".
- [Cordelia pours her heart out to the latest fish-monster, thinking it's Xander.]
- Cordelia: You were so courageous. And you looked really hot in those speedos!
- [She giggles.]
- Cordelia: And I want you to know that I still care about you, no matter what you look like. And… and we can still date. Or-or, not. I mean… I understand if you wanna see other fish. I'll do everything I can to make your quality of life better, whether that means little bath toys or whatever.
- Cordelia: I think we can safely say we found Sean. He was in the pool, skinless-dipping.
- [The coach traps Buffy in a water tank to feed his fish-monster team's non-nutritional needs.]
- Buffy: Great. This is just what my reputation needs: that I did it with the entire swim team.
- Coach Marin: How you feeling?
- Xander: A little dry. Nothing a lemon butter sauce won't cure.
Becoming, Part 1
- Whistler: Bottom line is, even if you see 'em coming, you're not ready for the big moments. No one asks for their life to change, not really. But it does. So what are we, helpless? Puppets? No. The big moments are gonna come. You can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. That's when you find out who you are.
Becoming, Part 2
Season 3
Anne
- Giles : I mean, you know, I appreciate your efforts to keep the vampire population down until Buffy returns, but if anything should happen to you, or you… should be killed, I should take it somewhat amiss.
- Willow : You'd be cranky?
- Giles: Entirely.
- Larry : If we can focus, keep discipline… and not have quite as many mysterious deaths, Sunnydale is gonna rule!
- Willow: I'm trying to get to "cute", really, but I'm still sorta stuck on "strange".
- Oz : Well, I'd be willing to bargain down to "eccentric" with an option on 'cool.'
- Buffy : I don't want any trouble. I just wanna be alone and quiet in a room with a chair and a fireplace and a tea cozy. I don't even know what a tea cozy is, but I want one.
- Xander : First of all, what was with the acrobatics? How did that happen?
- Oz: Wasn't Andy Hoelich on the gymnastics team?
- Xander: That's right, he was! Cheater!
- [Xander turns back to Willow and Oz.]
- Xander: Okay, and the, uh, second problem I'm having… "Come and get it, Big Boy"?
- Willow: Well… W-w-well, the Slayer always says a pun, or-or a witty play on words, and… I think it throws the vampires off! And, and it makes them frightened, because I'm wisecracking… Okay, I didn't really have a chance to work on that one, but you try it every time!
- Oz: Uh, if I may suggest: "This time it's personal." I mean, there's a reason why it's a classic.
- Xander: I can't wait to see Cordelia. I can't believe I can't wait to see Cordelia.
- Willow: I wonder what our first homework assignment's gonna be. Hey, you're excited over Cordelia, okay? We've all got issues.
- [Buffy is dreaming.]
- Buffy: How did you find me here?
- Angel: If I was blind, I would see you.
- . . .
- Buffy: Stay with me.
- Angel: Forever. That's the whole point. I'll never leave. Not even if you kill me.
- Willow: Well, we try not to get killed. That's part of our whole mission statement: "Don't get killed."
- Oz: I don't know. I think we're kinda getting a rhythm down.
- Xander: We're losing half the vamps.
- Oz: Yeah, but… rhythmically.
- Nurse: What are you doing?
- Buffy: Breaking into your office and going through your private files.
- Xander: You don't hide. You're bait. Go act baity.
- Cordelia : What's the plan?
- Xander: The vampire attacks you.
- Cordelia: And then what?
- Xander: The vampire kills you. We watch, we rejoice.
- Buffy: You know, I just… I woke up, and I looked in the mirror, and I thought, hey, what's with all the sin? I need to change. I'm… I'm dirty. I'm, I'm bad with the… sex and the envy and that, that loud music us kids listen to nowadays. W— Oh, I just suck at undercover.
- Buffy: I'm Buffy. The Vampire Slayer. And you are…?
- Ken: That… was not… permitted.
- Buffy: Yeah, but it was fun.
Dead Man's Party
- Xander : I'm kind of tied up.
- Cordelia : You wish!
- [Principal Snyder, Buffy and Joyce are discussing Buffy's expulsion.]
- Principal Snyder : I not only have the right, but also a nearly physical sensation of pleasure at the thought of keeping her out of school. I'd describe myself as tingly.
- Joyce : Buffy was cleared of all those charges.
- Principal Snyder: Yes, and while she may live up to the not-a-murderer requirement for enrollment, she is a troublemaker, destructive to school property and the occasional student. And her grade point average is enough to… I'm sorry. Another tingle moment.
- [Giles brings a dead cat to the library.]
- Cordelia: Nice pet, Giles. Don't you like anything regular? Golf, USA Today, or anything?
- Buffy : I'm trying.
- Willow : Wow, and it looks so much like giving up!
- Giles : "Do you like my mask? Isn't it pretty? It raises the dead." Americans!
- Buffy: I'd like to find Willow and Xander.
- Joyce: Will you be slaying?
- Buffy: Only if they give me lip.
- Xander: Check it out. The Watcher is back on the clock. And just when you were thinking career change, maybe becoming a… a Looker or a… a Seer.
- Oz : Hey, so you're not wanted for murder anymore.
- Buffy: Good. That was such a drag.
- Xander: So where were you? Did you go to Belgium?
- Buffy: Why would I go to Belgium?
- Xander: I think the relevant question is why wouldn't you? Bel-gium!
- Xander: Whatever, we were kicking a little undead booty.
- Buffy: What about home schooling? You know, it's not just for scary religious people anymore.
- Oz: Well, I like it. I think you should call it "Patches".
- Oz: We should figure out what kinda deal this is. I mean, is it a-a gathering, a shindig or a hootenanny?
- Cordelia: What's the difference?
- Oz: Well, a gathering is brie, mellow song stylings; shindig, dip, less mellow song stylings, perhaps a large amount of malt beverage; and hootenanny, well, it's chock full of hoot, just a little bit of nanny.
- Xander: Well, I hate brie.
- Cordelia: I know. It smells like Giles' cat.
- Giles: It's not my…
- Xander: Okay, so one vote from the old guy for a Smelly Cheese Night, and how many votes for actual fun, huh?
- Xander: Look. I'm sorry that your honey was a demon, but most girls don't hop a Greyhound over boy troubles.
- Giles: Cordelia, it's me! It's me!
- Cordelia: How do we know it's really you and not zombie Giles?
- Giles: Cordelia, do stop being tiresome.
- Cordelia: It's him.
- Xander: Generally speaking, when scary things get scared: not good.
Faith, Hope, and Trick
- Willow : Ooo, Scott Hope at eleven o'clock. He likes you. He wanted to ask you out last year, but you weren't ready then. But I think you're ready now, or at least in the state of pre-readiness to make conversation, or-or to do that thing with your mouth that boys like.
- [Buffy glares at her.]
- Willow: Oh, I didn't mean the bad thing with your mouth, I meant that little half-smile thing that you…
- [Willow looks at Oz.]
- Willow: You're supposed to stop me when I do that.
- Oz : I like when you do that.
- [Buffy and her mother confront curmudgeonly Principal Snyder about Buffy's Sunnydale High reinstatement.]
- Buffy : So let me get this straight. I'm really back in school because the school board overruled you. Wow. That's like having your whole ability to do this job called into question, when you think about it.
- Joyce : I think what my daughter's trying to say is… [taunting] nyah, nyah-nyah, nyah, nyah!
- Faith : Isn't it crazy how slaying just always makes ya hungry and horny?
- [Everyone looks at Buffy.]
- Buffy: Well… sometimes I crave a non-fat yogurt afterwards.
- Cordelia : Oh, you mean 'cause of how the only guy that ever liked her turned into a vicious killer and had to be put down like a dog?
- Xander : Can she cram complex issues into a nutshell, or what?
- Xander: Oh, you wanna date. I saw that half-smile, you little slut.
- Buffy: All right, yes, date and shop and hang out and go to school and save the world from unspeakable demons. You know, I wanna do girlie stuff!
- Buffy: Hello, my life, how I've missed you.
- Mr. Trick : Sunnydale. Town's got quaint. And the people? He called me "sir". Don't you just miss that? I mean, admittedly, it's not a haven for the brothers, you know, strictly the Caucasian Persuasion here in the 'Dale. But, you know, you just gotta stand up and salute their death rate. I ran a statistical analysis, and hello darkness. It makes D.C. look like Mayberry, and ain't nobody saying boo about it. We could fit right in here. Have us some fun.
- Xander: And they say young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but, um, I've learned to be afraid.
Beauty and the Beasts
Homecoming
Band Candy
Revelations
Lover's Walk
- Spike : She wouldn't even kill me. She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? You know? Some little sign that she cared? It was that truce with Buffy that did it. Dru said I'd gone soft. Wasn't demon enough for the likes of her. And I told her it didn't mean anything, I was thinking of her the whole time, but she didn't care. So, we got to Brazil, and she was... she was just different. I gave her everything: beautiful jewels, beautiful dresses with beautiful girls in them, but nothing made her happy. And she would fliiirt! I caught her on a park bench, making out with a chaos demon! Have you ever seen a chaos demon? They're all slime and antlers. They're disgusting. She only did it to hurt me. So I said, "I'm not putting up with this anymore." And she said, "Fine!" And I said, "Yeah, I've got an unlife, you know!" And then she said… she said we could still be friends. [leans over and sobs on Willow's shoulder] God, I'm so unhappy!
- Willow : [tentatively pats his knee] There, there.
- Spike: [yelling] What do you know? It's your fault, the both of you! She belongs with me. [sobs] I'm nothing without her.
- Buffy : That I'll have to agree with. You're pathetic, you know that? You're not even a loser anymore, you're a shell of a loser.
- Spike: Yeah. You're one to talk.
- Buffy: Meaning?
- Spike: The last time I looked in on you two, you were fighting to the death. Now you're back making googly-eyes at each other like nothing happened. Makes me want to heave.
- Buffy: I don't know what you're talking about.
- Spike: Oh, yeah. You're just friends.
- Angel : That's right.
- Spike: You're not friends. You'll never be friends. You'll be in love till it kills you both. You'll fight, and you'll shag, and you'll hate each other till it makes you quiver, but you'll never be friends. [points at his temple] Love isn't brains, children, it's blood… [clasps his chest] blood screaming inside you to work its will. I may be love's bitch, but at least I'm man enough to admit it.
The Wish
Amends
Gingerbread
Helpless
The Zeppo
- Willow : Occasionally, I'm callous and strange.
- [Feeling useless, Xander is driving around.]
- Xander : Y'know, it's not like I haven't helped before. Y'know, I've done some quality violence for those people. Do they even think about that? I mean... they act like I'm, like I'm some sorta klutz.
- [He suddenly hits the car parked in front of him.]
- Jack: I'm not afraid to die. I'm already dead.
- Xander: Yeah, but this is different. Being blowed up isn't walking around and drinking with your buddies dead. It's little bits being swept up by a janitor dead, and I don't think you're ready for that.
- Jack: Are you?
- Xander: I like the quiet.
Bad Girls
- Willow : Chemistry is fun. It's a lot like witchcraft, only less newt.
- Buffy : Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says "please". And afterwards I get a cookie.
Consequences
Doppelgangland
- Willow : How come the sudden calisthenics? Aren't you sort of naturally buff, Buff? [laughs] Buff Buff!
- Xander : Willow! Did you remember to tape Biography last Friday?
- Willow: Uh-huh.
- [Buffy turns to Xander.]
- Buffy : See! I told you. Old Reliable.
- Willow: Oh, thanks!
- Buffy: What?
- Willow: "Old Reliable"? Yeah, great. There's a sexy nickname!
- Buffy: Well, I-I didn't mean it as—
- Willow: No, it's fine. I'm "Old Reliable".
- Xander: She just means, you know, the geyser! You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.
- Willow: [disgusted] That's Old Faithful.
- Xander: Isn't that the dog that- that the guy had to shoot?
- Willow: [getting angry] That's Old Yeller!
- Buffy: Xander, I beg you not to help me.
- Anya : Yeah, um… listen. I–I have this little project I'm working on, and I heard you were the person to ask if…
- Willow: Yeah, that's me — "Reliable Dog Geyser Person".
- Willow: Okay, that's a little blacker than I like my arts.
- Anya: Oh, don't be such a wimp.
- Willow: That, that-that wasn't just some temporal fold, that was some weird Hell place. I-I don't think you're telling me everything.
- Anya: I swear, I am just trying to find my necklace.
- Willow: Well, did you try looking inside the sofa in Hell?
- [Willow is confused that her friends are desperately glad to see she's okay.]
- Willow: It's really nice that you guys missed me. Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya?
- Buffy: It was exactly you, Will, every detail. Except for your not being a dominatrix. [uneasily] As far as we know.
- Willow: [rolls her eyes, grins sardonically] Oh, right. Me and Oz play "Mistress of Pain" every night.
- Xander: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?
- Buffy: Oh, yeah.
- [Leather-clad Willow vainly attempts to convince an evil crowd she's a vampire.]
- Willow: I'm a blood-sucking fiend! Look at my outfit!
Enemies
Earshot
Choices
- The Mayor : What happened to the courier? I was supposed to pay him.
- Faith : I made him an offer he didn't survive.
- Buffy : Looks like a job for Wiccan girl. What do you say, Will? Big time danger.
- Willow : Hey, I eat danger for breakfast.
- Xander : But oddly enough, she panics in the face of breakfast foods.
- Oz : Okay, toad me.
- Willow: Faith, wait. I want to talk to you.
- Faith: Oh yeah? Give me the speech again, please. "Faith, we're still your friends. We can help you. It's not too late."
- Willow: It's way too late. You know, it didn't have to be this way. But you made your choice. I know you had a tough life. I know that some people think you had a lot of bad breaks. Well, boo hoo! Poor you. You know, you had a lot more in your life than some people. I mean, you had friends in your life like Buffy. Now you have no one. You were a Slayer and now you're nothing. You're just a big selfish, worthless waste.
- [Faith punches Willow in the jaw and she falls to the ground.]
- Faith: You hurt me, I hurt you. I'm just a little more efficient.
- [Willow climbs back to her feet.]
- Willow: Aw, here I just thought you didn't have a come-back.
- Willow: Of the two people here, which is the boss of me?
- Buffy: There are better schools.
- Willow: Sunnydale's not bad. A-And I can design my own curriculum.
- Buffy: Okay, well, there are safer schools. There are safer prisons. I can't let you stay because of me.
- Willow: Actually, this isn't about you. Although I'm fond, don't get me wrong, of you. The other night, you know, being captured and all, facing off with Faith. Things just, kind of, got clear. I mean, you've been fighting evil here for three years, and I've helped some, and now we're supposed to decide what we want to do with our lives. And I just realized that that's what I want to do. Fight evil, help people. I mean, I-I think it's worth doing. And I don't think you do it because you have to. It's a good fight, Buffy, and I want in.
- Buffy: I kind of love you.
- Willow: And, besides, I have a shot at being a bad-ass Wiccan, and what better place to learn?
- Buffy: I feel the need for more sugar than the human body can handle.
- Willow: Mochas?
- Buffy: Yes, please. It's weird. You look at something and you think you know exactly what you're seeing, and then you find out it's something else entirely.
- Willow: Neat, huh?
- Buffy: Sometimes it is.
The Prom
- Anya : Look, I know you find me attractive. I've seen you looking at my breasts.
- Xander : Nothing personal, but when a guy does that it just means his eyes are open.
Graduation Day, Part 1
- Anya : I was wondering... maybe, if you were free this weekend, maybe we could do some... entertaining thing.
- Xander : Would that be along the lines of you telling me all about the men you destroyed back in your demon days? 'Cause pencil me in!
- Anya: Well, we could do something else, that you like. We could watch sports of some kind.
- Xander: Uh, I don't know.
- Anya: Men like sports. I'm sure of it.
- Xander: Yes, men like sports. Men watch the action movie, we eat of the beef, and we enjoy to look at the bosoms. A thousand years of avenging our wrongs, and that's all you've learned?
- Willow : Oh, this is so frustrating.
- Oz : Nothing useful?
- Willow: No, it's great. If we want to make ferns invisible, or communicate with shrimp, I've got the goods right here.
- Oz: Our lives are different than other peoples'.
- Anya : We could just get in the car and drive. No one would miss us. We could take turns driving. Keep each other awake. You're going to die if you stay here.
- Xander : I guess I might.
- Anya: When I think that something could happen to you, it feels bad inside, like I might vomit.
- Xander: Welcome to the world of romance.
- Anya: It's horrible. No wonder I used to get so much work.
- Xander: Well, I'm sorry I give you barfy feelings.
- Anya: Come with me.
- Xander: I can't.
- Anya: Why not?
- Xander: I got friends on the line.
- Anya: So?
- Xander: That humanity thing's still a work in progress, isn't it?
- [Xander discovers that the Alvacon demon's picture in a book is a three-page foldout.]
- Xander: We're going to need a bigger boat.
- Buffy : What's the matter? All that killing, you afraid to die?
Graduation Day, Part 2
Season 4
The Freshman
Living Conditions
The Harsh Light of Day
- Anya : I can't stop thinking about you. Sometimes, in my dreams, you're all naked.
- Xander : Really? You know, if I'm in the checkout lane at Wal-Mart, I've had the same one.
- Anya : I like you. You're funny and you're nicely shaped. And, frankly, it's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not... interlock. Please remove your clothing now.
- Xander : And the amazing thing? Still more romantic than Faith.
Fear, Itself
- Anya : You haven't called. Not once!
- Xander : You said you were over me.
- Anya: And you just accepted that? I only said that because I thought that's what you wanted to hear.
- Xander: That's the funny thing about me. I tend to hear the actual words people say and accept them at face value.
- Anya: That's stupid.
- Xander: I accept that.
- [Giles is scanning an ancient tome for ways to stop a summoning.]
- Giles : I have it, I have it. Um, "The summoning spell", uh, "for Gachnar can be shut down in one of two ways. Destroying the mark of Gachnar…"
- [Buffy puts her fist through the pentagram (and the floor), then turns to Giles, satisfied.]
- Giles: "… is NOT one of them and will, in fact, immediately bring forth the fear demon itself"!
Beer Bad
Wild at Heart
The Initiative
- [Willow advises Riley about catching Buffy's eye.]
- Willow : Then talk. Keep eye contact. Funny is good, but don't be glib. And remember, if you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Have fun.
Pangs
- [Buffy, Willow, and Anya listen to the Cultural Center director's Thanksgiving-themed groundbreaking speech.]
- Willow : What a load of horse hooey!
- Buffy : We have a counterpoint?
- Willow: Yeah! Thanksgiving isn't a–about blending of two cultures — it's about one culture wiping out another! A–and then they make animated specials about the part where… w–with the maize and th–the big, big belt buckles. They don't show you the next scene, where… where all the bison die, a–and Squanto takes a musketball in the stomach!
- Buffy: Okay, now, for some of that, you were channeling your mother?
- Buffy : With Mom at Aunt Darlene's this year, I'm not getting a Thanksgiving. Maybe it's just as well.
- Anya : Well, I think it's a shame. I love a ritual sacrifice.
- Buffy: It's not really a one of those.
- Anya: To commemorate a past event, you kill and eat an animal. It's a ritual sacrifice with pie.
- [Anya enjoys watching Xander at his "manly" construction job.]
- Anya : Soon, he'll be sweating. I'm imagining having sex with him again.
- Buffy : Imaginary Xander is quite the machine.
- Buffy : It is a sham, but it's a sham with yams. It's a yam sham.
- Willow : You're not gonna jokey-rhyme your way out of this one.
Something Blue
Hush
- [Giles asks Xander to "take" Spike for a few days.]
- Giles : I have a friend who's coming to town, and I'd like us to be alone.
- Anya : Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?
- Giles: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said.
Doomed
- [The gang discusses a mysterious symbol.]
- Willow : Right. It was carved into his chest, like a big creepy eye.
- Xander : It's kind of the CBS logo. Hey, could this be the handiwork of one Mr. Morley Safer?
- Buffy: I'm telling you I've seen this somewhere before. I just can't remember where! I mean, it's like…
- Giles : It's the end of the world.
- Buffy, Willow, Xander: Again?
- Giles: It's, ah, the earthquake… that symbol… yes.
- Buffy: I told you. I-I said "end of the world", and you're like "poo-poo, southern California, poo-poo"!
- Giles: I'm so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.
- [Spike is poised over an upright stake, arms spread wide as he prepares to fall on it.]
- Spike : Goodbye, Dru. See you in Hell.
A New Man
The I in Team
Goodbye Iowa
This Year's Girl
Who Are You?
- [Buffy, magically switched into the body of Faith , is trying to convince Giles of her identity.]
- Buffy-in-Faith : Oh, oh! When I had psychic power, I heard my mom think that you were like a stevedore during sex. Wh— Do you want me to continue?
- Giles : Actually, I beg you to stop.
- Buffy-in-Faith: What's a "stevedore"?
Superstar
- [At Giles ' place. Riley pages through a spell book.]
- Riley : These spells, they really work? I mean, can you really turn your enemies inside out? Or... learn to excrete gold coins?
- Anya : That one's not so much fun.
Where the Wild Things Are
New Moon Rising
The Yoko Factor
- Xander : Try these on. You'll feel like a new man.
- Riley : Would this man have a bright red nose and big, floppy feet?
Primeval
- [In the bowels of the Initiative complex, "Über-Buffy" effortlessly stops Adam's attack.]
- Adam : How… can you—
- Über-Buffy: You can never hope to grasp the source of our power.
- [She digs her hand into his chest and pulls out his power core.]
- Über-Buffy: But yours is right here.
Restless
- Tara : You think you know. What's to come. What you are. You haven't even begun.
Season 5
Buffy vs. Dracula
- Willow : Now that I know there's something to know, I can't not know, just because I'm afraid somebody'll know I know, you know?
- Xander : Where is he?? Where's the creep that turned me into his spider-eating man-bitch?
- Buffy : He's gone.
- Xander: Dammit! You know what? I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of being the guy who eats insects and gets the funny syphilis. As of this moment, it's over. I'm finished being everybody's butt-monkey!
- Buffy: Check. No more butt-monkey.
- Dracula: You think you know, what you are, what's to come, you haven't even begun.
Real Me
- [Dawn is writing in her diary.]
- Dawn : [voiceover] I-I could so save the world if somebody handed me superpowers! But I-I'd think of a cool name and wear a mask to protect my loved ones. Which Buffy doesn't even!
- [Dawn, again writing in her diary, recalls Xander's arrival to babysit.]
- Dawn: [voiceover] Xander treats everyone like an equal. He doesn't look down on people.
- [Anya squeezes through the door behind him.]
- Anya : Hello, there, little girl!
- Dawn: [voiceover] Even when he should.
- [Dim-witted vampire Harmony tells Spike about her plans to kill Buffy.]
- Harmony : I'm not gonna make the same mistakes you did. I've been doing my homework — reading books and stuff.
- Spike : What? Evil for Dummies?
The Replacement
- [Xander approaches Anya, carrying boxes.]
- Anya : Ooh! Presents?
- Xander : Not unless you want my collection of Babylon 5 commemorative plates. Which you can not have. I just thought you could help carry a little.
- Anya: Me? [pouts] Buffy has super-strength. Why don't we just load her up, like one of those little horses?
- Xander: Anya. Please.
- Anya: Fine. I'm just your slave.
Out of My Mind
No Place Like Home
Family
Fool for Love
- [Spike tell Buffy how a Slayer is killed.]
- Spike : But you can kill a hundred, a thousand, a thousand thousand and the army of hell behind, and all we need is for one of us, just one, sooner or later, to have the thing we're all hoping for.
- Buffy : And that would be what?
- Spike: One good day.
Shadow
Listening to Fear
Into the Woods
- Anya : That's so very humorous. Make fun of the ex-demon! I can just hear you in private: "I dislike that Anya. She's newly human and strangely literal."
- Willow : Anya, I don't say that. No one says that. No one talks that way.
Triangle
Checkpoint
Blood Ties
Crush
I Was Made to Love You
- Tara : Well, I-I go online sometimes, but… everyone's spelling is really bad. It's… depressing.
The Body
- Anya : I don't understand how this all happens. How we go through this. I mean, I knew her, and then she's, there's just a body, and I don't understand why she just can't get back in it and not be dead anymore! It's stupid! It's mortal and stupid! And, and Xander's crying and not talking, and, and I was having fruit punch, and I thought, well, Joyce will never have any more fruit punch ever, and she'll never have eggs, or yawn or brush her hair, not ever, and no one will explain to me why!
- Anya: [too loudly] I wish Joyce didn't die!
- [Everyone stares at her. She continues more quietly.]
- Anya: Because she was nice. And now, we all hurt.
- Xander : Anya — ever the wordsmith.
- [Anya stares hopefully at Buffy.]
- Buffy: Thank you.
- [Buffy asks about the death of Tara's mother.]
- Buffy : Was it sudden?
- Tara : What?
- Buffy: Your mother.
- Tara: No. And yes. It's always sudden.
Forever
Intervention
Tough Love
Spiral
- [On the run from Glory, Giles calms the gang while they wait for Buffy to bring transportation.]
- Giles : Look, everything will be alright. We just need to stay here, calm. As soon as Buffy arrives, we'll…
- [A boxy, beaten-up mobile home pulls up to pick them up.]
- Giles: … we'll feel oddly worse.
The Weight of the World
The Gift
- Buffy : The hardest thing in this world is to live in it.
Season 6
Bargaining, Part 1
- [After the erratic BuffyBot kills a vampire…]
- Buffybot : That'll put marzipan in your pie plate, Bingo!
Bargaining, Part 2
After Life
Flooded
Life Serial
All the Way
Once More, with Feeling
- NOTE: As Sunnydale is afflicted with a need to sing their speech, many quotes are in the form of song.
- [From "I've Got a Theory / Bunnies / If We're Together".]
- Anya: Bunnies aren't just cute like everybody supposes! / They got them hoppy legs and twitchy little noses! / And what's with all the carrots? / What do they need such good eyesight for, anyway? / Bunnies! Bunnies! It must be bunnies! / Or maybe midgets…
- [From "I'll Never Tell".]
- Anya: He snores.
- Xander: She wheezes.
- Anya: Say "housework" and he freezes.
- Xander: She eats these skeezy cheeses that I can't describe.
- Anya: I talk, he breezes.
- Xander: She doesn't know what "please" is.
- Anya: His penis got diseases from a Chumash tribe.
- Anya, Xander: The vibe gets kind of scary.
- Xander: Like she thinks I'm ordinary.
- Anya: Like it's all just temporary.
- Xander: Like her toes are kind of hairy.
- Anya, Xander: But it's all very well / 'Cause God knows I'll never tell.
- Anya: When things get rough, he / Just hides behind his Buffy. / Now look, he's getting huffy 'cause he knows that I know.
- Xander: She clings. She's needy. / She's also really greedy. / She never—
- Anya: [speaking] His eyes are beady!
- Xander: [speaking] This is my verse! Hello?!
- . . .
- Anya, Xander: You know…
- Xander: You're quite the charmer.
- Anya: My knight in armor.
- Xander: You're the cutest of the Scoobies / With your lips as red as rubies / And your firm yet supple— tight embrace!
- Anya: He's swell.
- Xander: She's sweller.
- Anya: He'll always be my feller.
- Xander: That's why I'll never tell her that I'm petrified.
- Anya: I've read this tale. / There's wedding, then betrayal. / I know that come the day, I'll want to run and hide.
- Anya, Xander: I lied. / I said it's easy. / I've tried / But there's these fears I can't quell.
- Xander: Is she looking for a pot of gold?
- Anya: Will I look good when I've gotten old?
- Xander: Will our lives become too stressful / If I'm never that successful?
- Anya: When I get so worn and wrinkly / That I look like David Brinkley.
- Xander: Am I crazy?
- Anya: Am I dreamin'?
- Xander: Am I marrying a demon?
- Anya, Xander: We could really raise the beam in making marriage a hell! / So, thank God, I'll never tell. / I swear that I'll never tell.
- Giles : I was able to examine the body while police were taking witness arias.
- Buffy : So. Dawn's in trouble. Must be Tuesday.
Tabula Rasa
Smashed
Wrecked
Gone
Doublemeat Palace
Dead Things
Older and Far Away
- Richard: Ah, you have some weird friends.
- Xander : News from the file marked "Duh".
As You Were
Hell's Bells
Normal Again
Entropy
Seeing Red
Villains
Two to Go
Grave
- Dark Willow : You're always saving everybody. It's kinda pesky.
- [As Willow prepares to destroy the world, Xander confronts her with charming affection.]
- Dark Willow : [scornfully] Is this the master plan? You're gonna stop me by telling me ya love me?
- Xander : Well, I was going to walk you off a cliff and hand you an anvil, but, eh… seemed too cartoony.
Season 7
Lessons
- Spike : I had a speech... I learned it all... Oh god, she won't understand, she won't understand...
- [The First appears to him, and begins taking different forms.]
- Warren : Of course she won't understand, Sparky. I'm beyond her understanding. She's a girl! With sugar, and spice, and everything... useless, unless you're baking. I'm more than that. More than flesh.
- Glory : More than blood. I'm... you know, I honestly don't think there's a human word fabulous enough for me. Oh, my name will be on everyone's lips. Assuming their lips haven't been torn off. But not just yet. That's alright, though.
- Adam : I can be patient. Everything is well within parameters. She's exactly where I want her to be. And so are you, Number 17. You're right where you belong.
- Mayor Wilkins : So, what'd you think? You'd get your soul back, and everything'd be jim-dandy? A soul's slippier than a greased weasel, why do you think I sold mine? Well, you probably thought that you'd be your own man. And I respect that. But you--
- Drusilla : --never will. You'll always be mine. You'll always be in the dark with me... singing our little song. You like our little songs, don't you? You've always liked them. Right from the beginning. And that's where we're going...
- The Master : Right back to the beginning! Not the bang. Not the word. The true beginning. The next few months are going to be quite a ride, and I think we're all going to learn something about ourselves in the process. You'll learn you're a pathetic schmuck, if it hasn't sunk in already. Look at you, trying to do what's right. Just like her. You still don't get it. It's not about right. Not about wrong.
- Buffy : It's about power.
Beneath You
Same Time, Same Place
Help
- [Xander is searching for information on a troubled student.]
- Willow : Have you Googled her yet?
- Xander : [aghast] Willow! She's 17!
- Willow : It's a search engine.
Selfless
Him
Conversations with Dead People
Sleeper
Never Leave Me
Bring on the Night
- Andrew : Man, this place gives me the creeps. It's like in Wonder Woman, issue 297 - 299.
- Xander : "Catacombs." Yeah, with the skeletons
- Andrew , Xander : That was cool.
- [Pause]
- Xander [embarrassed]: Move it! This way!
- [He shoves Andrew ahead.]
- Xander : Hey, Junior Slayers, don't look so worried. I mean, sure, we don't know where Spike is or how to fight the First, or if and when the super-styled vampire is gonna attack us all. However, house - boarded up. Now all we gotta do is trap this Übervamp in the pantry, and it's game over.
- Willow : Xander, newbies. Let's ease them into the whole "Jokes in the face of death" thing.
- Xander : Who's joking? That pantry thing could work. You're saying M. Night Shyamalan lied to us?
- Giles : We're back at square one.
- Xander : Which square would that be, exactly?
- Giles : I'm not sure. The First predates everything we've ever known. Or can know. It's everywhere, it's pure. I don't know if we can fight it.
- Buffy : You're right. We don't know how to fight it. We don't know when it'll come. We can't run. Can't hide. Can't pretend it's not the end, 'cause it is. Something's always been there to try and destroy the world. We've beaten them back. But we're not dealing with them anymore. We're dealing with the reason they exist. Evil. The strongest. The First.
- Giles : Buffy, um... I know you're, you're tired---
- Buffy : I'm beyond tired. I'm beyond scared. I'm standing on the mouth of Hell, and it is gonna swallow me whole. And it'll choke on me. We're not ready? They're not ready. They think we're gonna wait for the end to come, like we always do. I'm done waiting. They want an apocolypse? Oh, we'll give 'em one. Anyone else who wants to run, do it now, 'cause we just became an army. We just declared war. From now on, we won't just face our worst fears, we will seek them out. We will find them, and cut out their hearts, one-by-one, until the First shows itself for what it really is. And I'll kill it myself. There is only one thing on this Earth more powerful than evil. And that's us. Any questions?
Showtime
- Xander : Potential Slayers can function without sleep. Me, I'm no good without my usual 90 minutes.
- Andrew : I'm with him. Keep the chatter down! Or speak up so I can hear you.
- Andrew : I'm bored. Episode I bored.
- [About Andrew.]
- Rona : Um... why is that guy tied to a chair?
- Xander : The question you'll soon be asking is, "Why isn't he gagged?"
- [Xander is undoing the extremely tight ropes around Andrew's arms.]
- Andrew : Ow! Watch it, that's my joystick hand.
- Xander : I'm not gonna touch that one.
- Buffy : You try anything, try to run---did you ever see the movie Misery?
- Andrew : Six times. But the book was scarier than the movie, 'cause instead of crushing his foot with a sledgehammer, Kathy Bates chops it off with...
- [Andrew trails off as it sinks in. Buffy nods.]
- Andrew : I'll be good.
- [To the Potential Slayers.]
- Buffy : We need to stick together, okay? We're stronger that way. We cannot afford to fall apart now.
- Andrew : She's right. Where would the Justice League have been if they hadn't put their differences aside to stop the Imperium and his shape-shifting alien horde?
- Buffy : Don't help me.
Potential
The Killer in Me
- [About Spike's malfunctioning chip.]
- Buffy : You're right. Not a book thing... it's a phone thing.
- Spike : Who you gonna call?
- [Buffy glares at him.]
- Spike : God, that phrase is never gonna be usable again, is it?
- Buffy : Doubt it.
First Date
Get It Done
- Spike : Aw, let it go, would you? You're like a dog with a bone.
- Anya : So what?
- Spike: It's my bone! Just drop it.
- Buffy : The Hellmouth below us is starting its semi-annual percolation. Usually blows around May.
- Andrew : Where the hell have you been? This funnel cake is kicking my ass.
- Buffy: This is Andrew. He's our… actually, he's our hostage.
- Andrew: I like to think of myself more as a "guest-age".
- Willow : Oh. Hey. Hi. Well, Buffy, I see our preparations for the… school… pep-dance-cheer-drill-contest are really coming along. "Bring it on!"
- Buffy: Will, it's okay, he knows.
- Willow: Oh, thank God. If I had to explain all these weapons? I had nothing.
- Anya: But you fought like such a wimpire, what with the lifting and the running.
- Dawn : Smelled weird. Kinda like grandma's closet… but worse.
- Buffy: I didn't know that was possible.
- Xander : Well, yeah, but only because you kinda told us to. You're our leader, Buffy, as in "follow the".
- Buffy: Well, from now on, I'm your leader as in "do what I say".
- Xander: Jawohl. But let's not try to forget, we're also your friends.
- Xander: It's cryptic. I don't like it. Every time instructions get cryptic, someone gets hurt. Usually me.
- Anya: You missed her "everyone sucks but me" speech. If she's so superior, let her find her own way back.
Storyteller
- [The scene opens with a Masterpiece Theatre -like setting, with Andrew reading a book.]
- Andrew : Oh, hello there, gentle viewers.
- [He closes the book.]
- Andrew: You caught me catching up on an old favorite. It's wonderful to get lost in a story, isn't it? Adventure and heroics and discovery — don't they just take you away? Come with me now, if you will, gentle viewers. Join me on a new voyage of the mind. A little tale I like to call… Buffy, Slayer of the Vampyrs.
- [Buffy is patrolling at night.]
- Andrew: [narrating] It was cold last night, and the wind was cru-el, but the Slayer had a job to do. Unfortunately, vampires have a job to do, too.
- [A vampire knocks Buffy to the ground. Cut to Andrew in his "study".]
- Andrew: Ouch! My goodness! Things look bad for the Slayer, don't they? She didn't see that second vampire, concealed by cover of darkness, ready—
- [There's a knock at the door, which Andrew ignores.]
- Andrew: … ready to attack and make her his own vampirical spawn.
- [Cut to the bathroom, where Andrew sits on the closed toilet, trying to continue his narration.]
- Andrew: Let's rejoin them now to see—
- [Suddenly, Anya barges in.]
- Anya : For God's sakes, Andrew! You've been in here for 30 minutes. What are you doing?
- Andrew: Entertaining and educating.
- Anya: Why can't you just masturbate like the rest of us?
Lies My Parents Told Me
Dirty Girls
- Xander : I might need a parrot.
- Willow : Huh?
- Xander: Well, to go with the eyepatch, to really complete the look. I think I still have that costume from Halloween.
- Willow: Yeah, and don't underestimate the impact of a peg leg. Maybe the hospital can hook you up with a nice one. Maybe they have a two-body-parts-for-the-price-of-one kind of deal.
- Xander: Oh, you know what the best part is? No one will ever make me watch "Jaws 3-D" again.
- Anya : Okay… I know you're all upset… and I, myself, would much rather be sitting at the bedside of my one-eyed ex-fiancé than killing time here with you people in this overcrowded and might I add increasingly ripe-smelling basement. And I would be, too, if not for a certain awkward discussion he and I recently had right over there on that cot immediately following some exciting and unexpected breakup sex.
- Giles : There may be demons… lurking about. You never know. He's a demon expert. He can help.
- Spike : Oh, please.
- Giles: Well, he can bring his pan flute thing along. Excellent. Off you go.
- Kennedy : What kind of band plays during an apocalypse?
- Dawn : I think this band might actually be one of the signs.
- Buffy : Still able to make me see cartoon birdies all around my head? You betcha. The short lack of consciousness was nice. I feel rested.
- Buffy: You sent away the one person that's been watching my back — again.
- Giles: We're all watching your back.
- Buffy: Funny… that's not really what it feels like.
- Andrew : You sure you don't wanna stop and pick up some burgers or something, you know, road trip food?
- Spike: It's not a road trip. It's a covert operation.
- Andrew: Right. Right. Gotcha. I—I bet even covert operatives eat curly fries. They're really good.
- Spike: Not as good as those onion blossom things.
- Andrew: Ooh, I love those.
- Spike: Yeah, me, too.
- Andrew: It's an onion… and it's a flower. I—I don't understand how such a thing is possible.
- Spike: See, the genius of it is, you soak it in ice water for an hour so it holds its shape. Then you deep-fry it root-side up for about 5 minutes.
- Andrew: Masterful.
- Spike: Yeah. Tell anyone we had this conversation, I'll bite you.
- Andrew: Right.
- Xander: That's fine. Parties in this house, I usually end up having to… rebuild something.
- Anya: And it's automatically you. You really do think you're better than we are.
- Buffy: No, I—
- Anya: But we don't know. We don't know if you're actually better. I mean, you came into the world with certain advantages, sure. I mean, that's the legacy.
- Buffy: I—
- Anya: But you didn't earn it. You didn't work for it. You've never had anybody come up to you and say you deserve these things more than anyone else. They were just handed to you. So that doesn't make you better than us. It makes you luckier than us.
- Buffy: No. You don't get to vote until I've had my chance to pal around, you know, get everybody drunk. See, I didn't get this was a popularity contest. I should have equal time to bake them cookies, braid their hair—
- Faith : Learn their names?
Empty Places
Touched
- Anya : Let the girl speak the truth. We're all on death's door, repeatedly ringing the doorbell, like maniacal Girl Scouts trying to make quota.
- Xander : Yeah, I'll get the magazines and start ripping out the letters now. "Dear Mr. First, if you want your Bringer back… well, we'll be surprised because you've got like three million of them, so please disregard this letter. Yours sincerely—"
- Giles : The Bringer's dumb.
- Anya: And you were expecting, what? A Rhodes Scholar?
- Willow : Oh, yeah. I think I've read a translation of that.
- Dawn : [indignant] There's a translation of it?! [takes a deep breath] I'm over it.
- Spike : He's a breath of fresh air, isn't he? Thank god I don't breathe.
- Andrew : I feel used and violated… and I need a lozenge.
- The First [as Mayor Wilkins]: Well, gosh! I think a "Hello" or a "Nice to see you" might be a little more welcome. It's the end of humanity, Faith, not the end of courtesy.
- Spike: You mean "no" as in "eventually"?
- Buffy: You really have problems with that word, don't you?
- Spike: It's bloody chaos over there without you.
- Buffy: It is?
- Spike: Yeah, it's… there's junk food cartons, sleeping bags not rolled up… everyone's very scared and unkempt.
- Principal Wood : That's exactly what The First does. Finds your Achilles heel.
- Faith : Nah, it just talked to me. What? It does a heel thing, too?
- Principal Wood: It's a phrase. Your weak spot.
- Faith: Oh. The school thing. I was kind of absent that decade.
- Principal Wood: So did I, but I still wanted my mother to hold me like a little baby. In a manly way, of course.
- Anya: Of course I am! I'm a lot jealous. I mean, if we're done having sex, then I think other people should just knock it off.
End of Days
- [Buffy finds the Scythe embedded Excalibur-style in a rock.]
- Caleb: So… you found it. Not impressed. 'Cause the question now, girly-girl, is can you pry it from solid rock before I come over there and—
- [Buffy easily pulls it out, one-handed. Caleb sputters while she examines it.]
- Caleb: Darn.
- [Buffy discusses the Scythe with the gang.]
- Buffy : I think it's maybe some kind of scythe. The only thing I know for sure is that it made Caleb back off in a hurry.
- [A grinning Willow gives Giles a friendly pat on the shoulder.]
- Willow: So it's true — scythe matters.
- [Buffy interrupts Faith's sickbed guilt trip.]
- Buffy : People die. You lead them into battle, they're gonna die. It doesn't matter how ready you are, or how smart you are — war is about death. Needless, stupid death.
- Faith : There's only supposed to be one. Maybe that's why you and I can never get along. We're not supposed to exist together.
- Buffy: Also, you went evil and were killing people.
- Faith: Good point. Also a factor.
- Buffy: But you're right. I mean, like… I guess everyone's alone, but… being a Slayer? There's a burden we can't share.
- Faith: And no one else can feel it. [pauses] Thank God we're hot chicks with superpowers.
- [Anya is telling Andrew about her previous flight from an apocalypse.]
- Anya : Well, I guess I was kinda new to being around humans before. But now I've seen a lot more, gotten to know people, seen what they're capable of, and... I guess I just realized… how amazingly screwed up they all are. I mean, really, really screwed up in a monumental fashion.
- Andrew: Oh.
- Anya: And they have no purpose that unites them, so they just drift around, blundering through life until they die, which they… they know is coming, yet every single one of them is surprised when it happens to them. They're incapable of thinking about what they want beyond the moment. They kill each other, which is clearly insane… and yet here's the thing. When it's something that… really matters, they fight. I mean, they're lame morons for fighting, but they do! They never… they never quit.
Chosen
- [Buffy tells Angel about Spike's own restored soul.]
- Angel : That's great! Everyone's got a soul now.
- Buffy : He'll make a difference.
- Angel: You know, I started it. The whole having-a-soul. Before it was… all the cool new thing.
- Buffy: Oh my god, are you twelve?!
- Angel: I'm getting the brush-off for Captain Peroxide! It doesn't necessarily bring out the champion in me.
- Willow : Did you find out anything about the Scythe?
- Buffy : It slices, dices, and makes julienne preacher.
- Giles : Caleb?
- Buffy: I cut him in half.
- Willow: Alright!
- Anya : He had that coming.
- Xander : Hey, party in my eye socket, and everyone's invited!
- [Awkward pause as everyone stares at Xander.]
- Xander: Sometimes I shouldn't say words.
- [Principal Robin Wood is trying to counter Faith's low opinion of men, but she isn't biting.]
- Faith : Guy looks at me, let's just say his priorities… shift.
- Robin : Why, because you're so hot?
- Faith: [It] is what it is, yo.
- Robin: Oh, please! I am so much prettier than you are. Oh, and, uh, for the record… our little encounter didn't exactly change my world.
- [Faith loses her grin.]
- Faith: You're trippin'! That was rock 'em, sock 'em!
- Robin: No, no, no, no! It was, it was nice enough, you know, and-and you're… you're very, um, um… [gesturing] enthused… and, I think with a little more experience, you—
- Faith: Dude, I got madd skillz!
- Robin: Yeah, of course. Let's finish up.
- [Faith starts to unbutton her pants.]
- Faith: Oh, hell with that! We're going again, baby. You're gonna learn a little respect here, pal.
- Robin: Faith, t— [laughs] Make me a deal, all right? We live through this, you give me the chance to surprise you.
- Faith: What would be the surprise?
- Robin: You… do know the meaning of the word, right?
- Faith: Fine. Deal.
- Robin: Good enough.
- [They go back to moving furniture to block the school's sewer accesses.]
- Faith: No way you're prettier than me.
- Robin: Little bit, yeah.
- [Willow studies a magick tome. Kennedy is sprawled behind her on the bed.]
- Willow : I really wish she hadn't said that about me.
- Kennedy : What? The thing Buffy said? I think it's true.
- [Willow makes a worried noise.]
- Kennedy: I'll be with you. To keep you grounded.
- Willow: Yeah, well you might have to keep me stab-ded, if I go to the bad place.
- [That makes Kennedy sit up and face Willow.]
- Kennedy: You're saying I might have to kill you.
- Willow: I am.
- Kennedy: Huh! Bite me!
- Willow: I will! I mean, I do. Mean it. The darkest place I've ever been… this is what lies beyond that. This is too important for me—
- Kennedy: Buffy believes in you.
- Willow: You know Buffy? Sweet girl, not that bright.
- [Sitting at a table, Giles and Xander talk over a map.]
- Giles : Um, I'm-I'm-I'm all turned around. Y-y-you're here, yeah?
- Xander : By the pillar, yeah, protecting this area.
- Giles: Well, that puts me over by the door… demons around the perimeter… Right! I open the door.
- [Pan over to Andrew, wearing a bright red elvish robe.]
- Andrew : You go through the door, and are confronted by Trogdor the Burninator.
- . . .
- Amanda : I invoke a time flux on Trogdor.
- Andrew: Step down, girlfriend! You can't—
- Amanda: Ninth-level sorcerer, and I carry the Emerald Chalice. Trogdor is frozen in time. Deal with it.
- Xander: Smackdown on Red Riding Hood! This could get ugly!
- Giles: Could it possibly get uglier? I used to be a highly respected Watcher, and now I'm a wounded dwarf with the mystical strength of a doily.
- [At the deserted school, the expanded Scooby gang split up to man their posts.]
- Anya : So that leaves me and the dungeon master in the north hall?
- Andrew : We will defend it with our very lives.
- Anya: Yes. We will defend it with his very life.
- Xander : And don't be afraid to use him as a human shield.
- Anya: Good, yes! Thanks.
- [Giles watches Buffy, Xander, and Willow walk off to their posts, chattering about shopping.]
- Giles : [to himself] The earth is definitely doomed.
- [As Willow triggers her Scythe-based spell, we flash back to Buffy's final pep talk.]
- Buffy : So here's the part where you make a choice. What if you could have that power… now? In every generation, one Slayer is born, because a bunch of men who died thousands of years ago made up that rule. They were powerful men.
- [She points to Willow.]
- Buffy: This woman… is more powerful than all of them combined.
- [Willow makes a small whimper of unease.]
- Buffy: So I say we change the rule. I say my power…
- [Cut to Kennedy at the school, throwing her head back with renewed energy.]
- Buffy: … should be our power.
- [As the camera cuts to shots of the Potentials in the cave receiving Slayer powers, Buffy continues.]
- Buffy: Tomorrow, Willow will use the essence of the Scythe to change our destiny. From now on…
- [Cut among scenes of girls all over the world receiving Slayer powers.]
- Buffy: … every girl in the world who might be a Slayer, will be a Slayer. Every girl who could have the power, will have the power. [Who] can stand up, will stand up. Slayers… every one of us.
- [Cut to a nervous young girl playing softball, who lowers her head, then raises it with a smile of confidence.]
- Buffy: Make your choice. Are you ready to be strong?
- [Cut to the Hellmouth cave, where the Potentials look into the thousands of übervamps.]
- Vi : These guys are dust.
- [As Kennedy leaves with the Scythe for the battle, Willow topples over in grinning exhaustion.]
- Willow : That was nifty!
- [Ordinary mortals Anya and Andrew prepare for the onslaught of the übervamps.]
- Anya : Oh, god. I'm terrified! I-I didn't think— I mean, I… I just figured you'd be terrified, and I would be sarcastic about it.
- Andrew : Picture happy things! A lake… candy canes… bunnies…
- [A change comes over leporiphobic Anya. As she talks, she resolutely raises her sword.]
- Anya: Bunnies! Floppy… hoppy… bunnies!
- [The First taunts an apparently mortally wounded Buffy, lying on the ground.]
- The First (as Buffy): You pulled a nice trick. You came pretty close to smacking me down. What more do you want?
- Buffy : I want you… to get out of my face!
- [Buffy reaches for Spike's outstretched hand. Their fingers lace, then burst into flame.]
- Buffy : I love you.
- Spike : No you don't… but thanks for saying it.
- [Outside the now-destroyed Sunnydale, Xander stops Andrew.]
- Xander : Did you see what happened? I mean, was she…?
- Andrew : She was incredible. She died saving my life.
- Xander: [fondly] That's my girl… always doing the stupid thing.
- [Final scene of the series: The gang looks out over the crater that was Sunnydale.]
- Faith : Looks like the Hellmouth is officially closed for business.
- Giles : There's another one in Cleveland.
- [Everyone stares at him.]
- Giles: Not to spoil the moment.
- Xander : We saved the world.
- Willow : We changed the world. I can feel them, Buffy. All over. Slayers are awakening everywhere.
- Dawn : We'll have to find them.
- Willow: We will.
- Giles: Yes, because the mall was actually in Sunnydale, so there's no hope of going there tomorrow.
- Dawn: We destroyed the mall? I fought on the wrong side.
- Xander: All those shops, gone. The Gap, Starbucks, Toys 'R' Us… Who will remember all those landmarks unless we tell the world of them?
- Giles: We have a lot of work ahead of us.
- Faith: [to others] Can I push him in?
- Willow: You've got my vote.
- Faith: I just want to sleep, yo. For like a week!
- Dawn: I guess we all could. If we wanted to.
- Willow: Yeah! The First is scrunched, so… What do you think we should do, Buffy?
- Faith: Yeah, you're not the one and only Chosen anymore. Just gotta live like a person. How's that feel?
- Dawn : Yeah, Buffy. What are we going to do now?
- [Buffy slowly begins to smile.]
Unknown episode
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