George Sr: They can't convict a husband and wife of the same crime. Michael: I don't think that's true dad. George Sr: Really? Michael: Yeah. George Sr: Oh, i have the worst fucking attorneys.

GOB: Illusions, Michael. A trick is something a whore does for money. Or cocaine.

George Sr: Daddy horny Michael.

George Sr: Never promise crazy a baby!

Lindsay: I'm sick and tired of all of your objectivying women! Michael: It's just whores and mom.

Lucille: I don't understand the question and I won't respond to it.

Buster: I love juice!

Wife of GOB: I'm in love with your brother in law. GOB: You're in love with your own brother? The one in the army. Wife of GOB: No your sister's husband. GOB: Michael? Michael! Wife of GOB: No, that's your sister's brother. GOB: No, i'm my sister's brother, you're in love with me, Me! Wife of GOB: I'm in love with Tobias GOB: My brother in law? Wife of GOB: I know this can never be, so i'mm leaving and enlisting in the army. GOB: To be with your brother? Wife of GOB: NO!

GOB: I'm a failure, I can't even fake the death of a stripper.

Lucille: There were 250 ccs of your father in that banana stand! Michael: No touching.